This is such a difficult issue and as you say it must bring up so many bad feelings and memories for you from the past how you coped alone in every way.To accept the aplogies may make you feel as though you are forgiving and forgetting and letting him get away with abandoning your daughter . But that really is not the point this is about hopefully helping your daughter develop and build some sort of a relationship with her father .

You will have gathered from everything we have written that we believe that Dad is incredibly important to the children and this could be a dream come true for your daughter as maybe she has wanted to know him , talk about him and feel as though she has a Dad like most other kids.

So in principle I think it would not be a good idea to block this or prevent this from happening . Not only is a relationship with Dad important, she will find out one day and could you really justify such a position from your childs perspective.In addition from your perspective you have done so well for all these years alone I think it would be very bad for your Karma , anger and inner poise not to work through this difficult phase in a positive , bitter free way in a way possibly using your child as a weapon.

Yes it will be hard but if you get this right you won't be a hero you will be a superhero.

Once you have got your head around accepting the idea of building a brdige in principle I think you need to go very carefully. I would have a good talk to Dad , explain why it is hard for you , explain that his actions have had repercussions , that coming back after abandonmnent needs gentle handling , the last thing you want or need is him to go from your daughters life again , but that although you can't forgive or forget you will help him to build a bridge with your daughter because it is the right thing to do .So it is time for a plan and I would suggest gently gently. First off you need to have some very honest dicsussions with your ex about what your daughter has been told about her Dad thus far , hopefully you haven't told some complete and utter whoppers , but you need to agree with Dad a version of events that will not affect your relationship with your daughter yet find a way to incoporate some sort of relationship with Dad.

Then maybe you can start talking to her about him , he can write to her and if she wants to meet him she can . Keep it positive and so on. Your ex may feel all gung ho but this to your child is like introducing a complete stranger so will take a LONG time maybe he can babysit , help with homework ,and get involved BUT gently and slowly. This reminds me of the advice we give to new partners meeting children when they are deperate and keen to develop a relationship too fast , so you need to discuss boundaries and so on .

As I write this I wonder if the advice I firmly give you is to open your mind to letting your daughter have a relationship with Dad , I am also trying to warn you about the future consequences of blocking a rapproachament and to look from your child perspective. But I don't know your child or the man in question only you do and maybe once you have got your head around the idea if you are still worried about the mechanics ,fallout and consequences then maybe you should seek some professional advice from a child pyschotherapist by bobbing up the GP's.

If anyone else has any words of advice or wisdom on this topic please do join in

All the very best to you I hope you manage this . I have images of those terrible scenes on crap daytime TV when young adults are reunited with Dads in this situation several years down the line and I just think why didn't the mother let them know him ? the reasons often seem so week

Kate