First of all, the bit that worries us most: the effect on our sons of not living with their Dad...Research is split on the impact on young boys of being separated from their fathers. One school of thought suggests that when boys lose contact with their fathers at a young age, it can contribute to delinquency, emotional and behavioural disturbances and poor academic performance. Another line of researchsuggests that where a child had grown up in a family environment with a high level of conflict between the parents, these children went on to develop both emotional and behavioural problems, and had difficulties in establishing secure relationships. So what do we take out from this?
That loosing contact with a father is to be avoided at all costs if we are to do the best for our sons. And in case we needed anymore persuading than the research quoted earlier, here it is: Even children who have been fathered in the most horrendous circumstances (for example, as a result of rape) want to know and meet their Dad. This is extreme, but it does show that however bad YOU might think their Dad is, the children will still want him and need to know him and about him.
That arguments and fights between us and our ex’s in front of the children are scarring our children and not helping them.
Don’t forget: “A child needs a secure base from which to explore the world“.
BOYS’ NEEDS
It is important to acknowledge that boys have some needs that are distinctly different from girls, and that these differences are in their genes…
Rough-and-tumble.
How many times have you held your head in your hands as you try to distract your son from bouncing off the walls and his brothers and sisters by reading a good book? Give up! It’s a thankless task as it’s in his genes. He loves it and, as one expert believes, he needs it as rough-and-tumble helps boys to develop socially and to overcome their genetic tendency towards hyperactivity. I was relieved to hear that it was a behaviour I could just let happen rather than try to stop!
School.
Have you ever dreaded seeing the teacher to hear how Johnny just wouldn’t sit still or concentrate etc etc? Me too! I was relieved to learn that part of this is also genetic: In general, the development of boys’ brains and overall nervous systems is delayed compared to girls. And since the brain affects cognitive development, attention and emotional regulation, this impacts a boy’s overall “school readiness,� including activity, attention span, and academic development. Good!
One expert found that many of the features typically attributed to hyperactivity in children could in fact be accounted for by normal differences between boys and girls: that is, they just happen because boys will be boys and girls will be girls. For example, boys tend to be more interested in objects (e.g., blocks, toys, things in their pockets etc). Whilst girls show a greater preference for people (the teacher!), and are more sensitive to verbal sounds (what the teacher’s saying!), compared to boys' attention, which is grabbed more by other sounds (e.g., fire engines on the street, loud noises in the hall, the sound of a clock ticking).
This research suggests that girls may have an easier time in a traditional classroom environment that involves listening to teacher's instructions, sticking with an assignment, and relating well to classmates and adults. Boys, on the other hand, are likely to be at a disadvantage. They may appear, by comparison, to be more distractible - picking up less of a teacher's voice and more of other interesting noises in and outside of class - and more restless with their limited focus on any one activity.
TOP TIPS
Along with letting your child seek his own heroes and role models, there are things you can do to allow him to be male. Whether or not you have a man around to show him the ropes, your son can grow up to be an emotionally healthy male just as many boys of single mums have already done. Some useful tips might be:
Accept your son's differences.
Never make him the man around the house. True, you want to teach him to grow to be man, but there is a distinction between being the "little man" and being responsible for things that adults are supposed to do. Your child should not be your confidant or your rescuer. Especially important for the newly widowed or divorced. Correct people if they suggest that now your son "is the man around the house," or that he should "take care of Mummy."
When you look at your child and see his father's face, it's okay to get a little emotional. After all, if your ex gave you anything of value, you're looking at it. Let your son know how important he is to you.
Point out the positive qualities in men you see on a day to day basis. This means that even if you're buying your son football boots, and the salesman is especially attentive or friendly, point this trait out by mentioning what a helpful person he is, or "Isn't this man very nice?"
Be a little creative in helping your child learn male things. For instance, many single mothers report concern over their son's using the potty while sitting, or playing with their makeup. Chances are, your child won't spend the rest of his life peeing sitting down while wearing mascara. Homosexuality doesn't exist because you didn't monitor the morning makeup sessions! But if you want to get a head start on defining the differences men and women try this: Set out a little basket just for him. Fill it with a mock razor, gentle shaving cream, watered-down cologne, his toothbrush, toothpaste and a comb. Let him know this is what most men do every morning to their faces.
As your child matures, investigate local boys groups or clubs that he could join such as Cub Scouts. Don't be intimidated by such sponsored events as Father/son boat races or picnics. Let the troop leader know that with the number of single parent families, you would be comfortable if the den would acknowledge parent-child events.
Teach him your values, but let him express them uniquely. He's a male and will respond to emotional situations somewhat differently than you might.
If your boy is really active, get some exercise equipment for his room for rainy days. Exercise is critical for all children, but in cases where boys can't seem to centre themselves as comfortably as girls, they might need other means of releasing excessive energy.
Role models are important and will be found in every aspect of your son's life. Boys need men, but not necessarily fathers. Just because a father lives at home does not mean a boy is being "fathered."
Enjoy your time with your baby, toddler or young son by not worrying about whether they are missing out on anything by not having "dad" around. At the same time, try not to avoid "daddy stuff" totally. Even though many children's books feature animal families raised only by mum, it's okay to read stories about all kinds of families to your child. Place a high value on male and female relationships in order to give your child a realistic perspective.
And remember try not to have negative attitudes toward men, even if you became a single mother out of the most excruciating circumstances.
Finally…..
In thinking about your relationship with your son, it is important to remember that boys do differ from girls, but also that all boys are individuals, just as girls are, and that the most important relationship in their childhood is to their primary attachment figure: their mother.
