Three years on and still tough

Hi,

I just wondered if anybody would have any advice before I say something to my ex that I will later regret. I have an eight year old daughter and I split up with her dad three years ago. He met somebody straight away while I remained on my own. We managed to compromise for our daughters sake and worked through alot of the teething problems as they arose. However, about 6 months ago he announced that he was ending the relationship with his current girlfriend and would remain on his own. My daughter was fine about this as she had not got that much of attachment to his girlfriend anyway. About 3 months ago he announced that he was now in a new relationship in which he then introduced my daughter to her 2 weeks ago. My daughter had alot of praise for her and came back happy. However since this time his new girlfriend does not seem that keen on him having a child and he has suddenly turned against me. She is 10 years younger than him and does not have any children, my ex and I had a huge row on the phone the other day and he told me that although he still wants to see our daughter he cannot stand to see me. Therefore our friendly relationship is no longer feesable. Please could you advise me on this situation as three years down the line I still feel as frustrated about the situation, do you think its acceptable for him to keep going from one realtionship to another and what effect could this have on my daughter?. Also my daughter said that his new girlfriend had changed his screensaver on his phone, it had a photograph of my daughter and her dad and his girlfriend changed it to a picture of her.

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( categories: Dear Kate & Emily )
Hi This new girlfriend is
Submitted by kate on Mon, 2008-09-15 13:36.

Hi

This new girlfriend is just that his girlfriend and she clearly has a problem with you and your history with her boyfriend. That is not your problem and don't get caught in a battle that is all about her and her insecurities.

What a shame for everyone if your previous and good relationship was forced off track , an absolute crying shame and I suspect you may know what i am about to say and that is that you really must try and get it back on track , at least to some extent .

You can't argue with someone who isnt arguing with you , you can't fight with someone who isn't fighting with you . So it really is worthwhile doing everything you can to take the heat out of the situation with Dad , leave the girlfriend out of it. Ring him at work , e mail him , tell him you are sorry for the outburst but that you don't want things to be bad between the two of you , you will be bringing up your daughter together for at least another 10 years. How are you going to manage this if you don't communicate ??? but do stay cool , he is clearly having his ear bent in the other direction , chances are this girl will not last the course, the most important thing is that the TWO parents someohow work things through.

As far as lots of relationships go it is not a great idea to introduce children to lots of different people /partners but to be honest 2 girlfriends in 3 years doesn't sound excessive and as your daughter seems happy as is not forming close attachements I wouldn't worry and I suspect raising it as an issue with Dad now would be a red rag to a bull.

This girlfriend is trying to prove to your ex that she is the most important and is competeing with you and your child, don't add any firepower to her gripes by getting involved . RISE ABOVE IT .Don't argue, make any personal comments about her , put yourself in your daughters shoes and find out how best to make sure that her relationship with her Dad remains good. Go all business like on him ....fine you don't want to see me that is a real shame as I believe our friendly relation ship was good for our daughter . Going forward how do you think things can work would you like to email me , text me ??.....

Make it clear to him that you regret the change in the relationship , that it is not what you want , but if that is the way it is to be you will not speak badly of either ex or his girlfirend to your daughter and you hope that neither of them say bad things about you in your daughters hearing .

It is so easy to forget how fragile these relationships with exes can be and how easy they are to knock of course, but go on do it be the one to do the right thing , because it could go from bad to worse if you do say something you will regret . Whilst it might make you feel good for 5 minutes I would bet my bottom dollar that you would come regret 'having a go' and might make things harder for you and your daughter.

So deep breath , give him a wide birth until you have calmed down and then cut the new girlfriend out of the equation don't concern yourself with what she does , thinks and so on and just focus on what is right for your daughter.

All the best

Kate

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