Disrespecting agreed conditions - what do I do?

My ex and I finally early this year managed to set out an agreed contract of contact between my ex and my son (now 18months). In brief we have not been together since I fell pregnant and his contact was erratic over the first year.
The agreed contact was that he would have our son every other friday night overnight to saturday evening, there have been other issues between us including my granting him PR which is still ongoing. Part of the agreement was that he would have our son at his parents home(and I was led to believe at the time his).

I have since found out he has had a girlfriend for over a year, and has been living with her and her 4 kids for some time. When i found this out 3 months ago i asked him if our son was staying there or at his parents as we'd agreed, he assured me that he was staying with him at this parents, I commented that if he wanted our son to stay at the girlfriends it would probably be ok but that I would like to meet her first.

I asked again recently as on occasion i have had a 'feeling' or 'suggestion' that our son has been staying at the girlfriends. Again he assured me that both he and our son stayed at his parents, i reiterated that I would be happy for our son to stay at his girlfriends but i would like to meet her first and that i felt she would 'as a mother' understand. He has not offered to introduce us or said he wanted our son to stay there.

However my ex's mother 'nanny' dropped our son back the following day and made a comment which implies that our son has been staying at the girlfriends house sometimes. I didn't persue the comment but I am now in a quandry.
Without 'proof' I have nothing to present my ex with, and i'm not sure how to get it or whether i want proof, but if he is lying to me especially within 6 months of us settling into a contact routine i'm not sure how to take it.
I don't want to stop our son spending time with his dad and I don't want to loose my night off, but as he is only 18 months i think i have a right to know where he is. Besides all of this, the terms of the contact were agreed between us and they are now being totally ignored, where does one lie end? How do you cope with an ex who doens't appreciate the need for honesty, and what about the fact he wants PR for our son. I agreed to give him it if we could manage a year with the contact arrangements not being broken and if we could develop and open and honest co-parenting relationship.

Anyone have any thoughts, been here, know where to go????

previous forum topic | next forum topic
( categories: Dear Kate & Emily )
Thanks Emily, I know i'm
Submitted by clarkey on Wed, 2008-09-17 09:24.

Thanks Emily, I know i'm working myself up and I agree with what you've written, but I also know my ex and he has the attitude that if I don't agree with something but he doesn't tell me it's happening then that's ok. Which it isn't.
I'd like to beleive that when I asked him outright he'd told me the truth but I actually know in previous circumstances around similar issues he didn't and I don't beleive he did this time. I recognise that based on a suspicion I can't do anything but I don't know how to deal with my desire to find out for sure, and then the implications that may have.
Anyway, here I go again....thanks for your advice.

login or register to post comments
Calm down - read the bit you
Submitted by emily on Mon, 2008-09-15 22:00.

Calm down - read the bit you wrote saying that you have no proof and that you only have an inckling that it might have happened, but in the past and not regularly. Before you build up steam also remember that you're actually OK with the principle and you told your ex that so if your son did stay there once as a one off becuase of circumstances that dictated it - do you really have a beef with that? You've also asked your ex directly and he's said 'no'. Now read your last paragraph where you become convinced that there's a web of lies and mistrust and a possibility of your son not seing his dad as a result. 'Back up!' I can see that you do need to know where you son is and that you'd feel reassured if you'd met the girlfriend - that all seems very reasonable to me. So if his nanny implied otherwise ask your ex again (or her to explain though I'd ask him I think). If you ask oyur ex acknowledge that you're going on about it a bit and that you don't want to make it into a problem (becuase it's not you're happy for your son to go there if you know a bit more about it). Tell him what's made you think that he did stay at the girlfriend's. if you want to, tell him how the doubts are making you feel as long as you also tell him how you hate feeling them and would like to get rid of them so please be honest. If your ex / son's nanny still says 'no' and you have no evidence to disprove him then you really can't call him a liar or get steamed up about his alleged lying as it's destroying something that's working based on no fact.

Kate may have a different take on this one I think so hold fire incase what she says makes better sense to you,

Emily

login or register to post comments