Hi,im a 21 year old twin bearing soon to be single mum!!! The father and I were seeing each other for quite a while and had a great time together but knew it could never get serious due to his phycho ex-girlfriend who he had a child with. I was an escape for him but then we stopped seeing each other. I told him the news one month ago and havn't heard from him since. I said that I had made the decision without him and therefor didn't expect anything from him and that if I never heard from him again that I didn't care. I was on a power trip. Not that im now wishing he was involved...obviously it would be nice but it isn't getting to me a great deal- the way I see it is that if I don't rely on him whatsoever then he can never let me down and IF he does want to be involved in the slightest then it'll be a bonus. The one thing that I am worrying about now is the financial side of things. I want to find out things like if he's going to tell his family and just how much he'll be around if at all - im just trying to build a picture of how its going to be - are they ever going to know their father and do I tell them that they've got another sybling and if he's even going to tell his ex which i'd rather not in terms of safety and i'd like to sleep with both eyes closed!!! But am I then being selfish in keeping that info from them?? But I don't want to be the one contact him and ask things because I don't want to seem like I need him because I don't - ive been blessed with an incredible amount of supportive people in my life but should I just get off my high horse or keep my pride???

I always found it easier to think of it as my son has the right to two parents, that takes the sting out of the sense that you are doing the other parent some favour. The favour or gift is to your child. They deserve to know both parents, and make their own decision based on their independent relationship - frustrating as it is!

Hormones flying or not I can't let you say your child's dad can give you money but not see him! Please reflect on it in calmer less hormonal times. You MUST do all you can to ensure your child knows their dad and you bend over backwards to make it happen. Money has nothing to do with it as no-one BUYS the right to be a mother or father, we get that right automatically when we have a child. He has an equal right to be a parent as much as you do and you don't own your child - it's shared. I assume hormones will calm down and all this will become obvious and you'd find much better ways of telling your child how your relationship with his father didn't work and that it was definately NOT the father rejecting the child. Think carefully before you speak and make sure you speak with your child's best interests at heart - not your own hurt or hormones!

I am in a similar situation myself - currently 19 weeks pregnant and ever since telling my ex he has said that he wants nothing to do with the baby and that i have got myself into this mess - clever old me getting myself pregnant alone!!

The ex has two kids from a previous relationship - naturally he hasn't told them about the baby as he doesn't want him. We have been together for two years and I considered that I had a good relationship with his children but apparently now that I am starting to show I am acting too pregnant and looking it as well!! The 12 year has started to ask their mum why there are pregnancy books lying about daddy's house and she has quite rightly said ask your dad. Needless to say he won't tell them and she hasn't asked yet either.

Right now I am of the opinion that s*d him, he can contribute financially to my son but won't have any access after all how do I tell my son when he's born that the reason daddy left was because I was pregnant with him?

Its a very difficult situation to be in and more so as damn hormones go off at tangents all the time but I feel totally lost.

Hi

Do you know what I would suggest I would attempt to eradicate the fact that at the outset he said he didn't want the child from the harddrive of your brain. That was probably a rabbit in the headlight suggestion and wierdly has nothing to your actual real live baby - in my opinion. However if you let it it could grow into such a biggie that it could affect all of you, your babys esteem , her relationship with Dad , etc etc etc etc etc

The fact is that it was a casual relationship on its way out when you became pregnant so don't let your imagination rerwrite history by grieveing for the mum , dad family and getting all jealous of new girlfriend.

What you must remember is that now you are pregnant and having the baby Dad is being supportive and this is really great. Great for you , there is no better and cheaper childcare than Dad ,and great for your child who needs to know and love her Dad, so long may it last.

Yes you want to work at developing a friendship and there is no reason why it needs to be antagonisitc realtionship with Dad . Clarkey has given the best and practical advice about getting some structure going but with babies and todlers under 18months it is little and often and they can't be away much from mum so I think it is an idea to be flexible whilst building up dads confidence . At the beginning helping you get some sleep , so having him around pacing might be a thought.I think it is important to keep atmposhere relaxed warm and happy , lots of cuddles , lots of cooing .

Good luck you have a great attitude

Kate

Hi, thanks for your advice, its encouraging to know that there are so many people dealing with similar situations and doing OK. We had been planning on the 'play it by ear' approach too, but the more I think about it the more it makes sense to try and establish a routine early on. And I will make the most of those cakes!

wow how exciting and congratulations in advance!

I was in your situation (single) when my son was born and i can only give advice based on my relationship with my ex and what i wish i had done better.
I think establishing an agreed contact/access/father baby times from the start is essential. No one says they can't change frequently as your baby grows but I found the erratic visits (we had no schedule, he'd turn up now and then for 15 minutes or an hour but i never knew in advance) very difficult to manage and wish i had established the routine earlier. Now 18 months on my ex has my son every other friday night, probably short and frequent is best at the beginning but try and get into good habits with keeping these times. It's really hard being a single mum especially to a little baby as they are very demanding but frankly not much cop at conversation, so you will benefit from establishing a network of other mums early on. Easier to do if you know when dads about and when he isn't. Baby comes first, you are second and dad will have to fit in around that. That's the same for single or non single parents.
Plus try and find things for your ex to do with the baby. Baths, walks to the park stuff he can do once with you and then feel confident doing alone, this will give you time to rest/wash/toilet! And give him confidence handling baby.

As for the jealousy, there's nothing I've found that helps that. Time and distance, neither of which you have but I did go for some counselling which I found very helpful, just having an hour here and there to rant and talk helped me through the emotions. Plus a whole new social scene is on offer when you have a baby, go to every class/group on offer and meet new people outside of the life you had with your ex. The ex-factors keep throwing up new problems, I'm only just beginning to see that, you've crossed as big one (him finding a new partner) get wrapped up your new life as a mum and see where it takes you.

Most of all good luck! Take every offer of a cup of tea and make sure you take 2 slices of any cake (you deserve it)...