Marvellous marvellous , keep at it and keep your cool

Kate

It's funny I pretty much came to the same answers as you've suggested as soon as i wrote my note.

I will say I think so far I have done a pretty good job of trying to do and say most of the recommendations about what to and not to say our daughter. Although it may not have come across in my note I have not risen to the bate and not argued back instead let of steam normally to my Mum who just listens.

I will try again and see if he will agree a reason of separation and for us to be consistent, infact in your book there is a good basic example of what could be said to a 5 year old.

On a positive note we are both going to watch her in the Harvest Festival tomorrow (sitting together).

Thank you, your book is full of great tips.

V

Hi

It sounds like you are way further down the track than your ex , that you have decided what you want and that he is going through the more difficult steps of accepting that your relationship is over at a different rate. As I am sure you know these are denial , anger and all manner of bad behaviour before one gets to a level of acceptance. Most people that are left or had a relationship terminated , or are forced to live apart from their children will go through some difficult and often ugly emotions and I am afraid I think you have to stand back and be a little bit more patient and understanding for the good of your long term ability to co parent with your ex. . Yes he is being a pain in the arse trying to get at you by changing arrangements , which doesn’t seem to bother you well so ….let it go ……………

So deep breath. The first thing that does need sorting out is the way that your daughter is being spoken to . this is not about you telling her a different version of events , but having a proper proper calm conversation with Dad. Forget Christmas , forget changing arrangements this is the big one . This is the battle ( in your letter) that does need picking.

You need to say or write to him , pen paper , email in person that you think that you should have a code of behaving ,BOTH OF US .
1 we should agree a reason for split . Which in your case should be we didn’t want to be together ( you can’t have one person wanting a relationship…it takes two to tango)
2 We both still love our daughter and will make her feel loved.
3 We will neither of us say anything negative about the other to our daughter
4 We will not burden our daughter with the difficult aspects of separation.

This is the very basic part of a code of conduct which will help your daughter to cope with a minimum of conflict which is really important. I do think that you need to focus on trying to get this one sorted .Do try to understand how hard this is for your ex , let him know that you know that this is not what he wants ,but it is happening and it is important to put your daughters interests at the front whatever he thinks of you. To use children as weapons is just not on. But I do think you need to be a little bit more realistic about where Dad is at . At the outset people do and say all manner of terrible things often very irrational , but remember this relationship with Dad is for the long term , he is your daughters Dad ( and by the way she will not like it if she gets the vibes that you think Dad is a 'manipulating , irrational control freak') and you can reduce this period of bad behaviour by not rising to the bait , stop fighting, stoking the fire and so on

When you feel mad let off steam in another way , it will get better, he will calm down , one tip I do have is to stop talking about it to friends etc , they love a bit of what has he done now drama , that can provide unwanted oxygen to the situation.

Re Christmas .Personally I would just ask him what he wants to do ., how he thinks it should be split , which he would prefer birthday or christmas . Or better still why not both sit down together and think what you think your daughter would like best of all

All the best
Kate