I agree totally with Kate, it sounds as if both you and oyur ex are making a very good go of bringing up your baby together and you're working all this out with lots against you such as recently splitting up yourselves and a newborn baby and hormones still going mad. You're both trying to co-parent very early on - it can take people a couple of years to be able to get tot his stage and you 2 have done it within months so please don't be down-hearted, but be impressed with what you're doing and know that you are both giving your baby the best. I can't remember if we say it in our book, or if it was a conversation Kate and I recently had, but when people split up they'll always fight, argue, hate each other etc. It means that both of you are bound to behave badly to each other in the early days (few months or year?)of getting over the break-up (and becoming new parents which in itself is an emotional rollercoaster). You need to cut each other a bit of slack while you get over the break-up and just remind yourself of why he might be being nasty to you. You both sound very sensible so I'm sure it'll pass (especially if you do what Kate suggests to try and take the fight out of him). Lots and lots of luck Emily

Hi

I am so glad the main messages of the book fired you up we do know that it is not always easy but we do also know that if you want to do things this way you have to keep at it when the going gets tough. So please don’t abandon the book or the messages just keep going back to them for a bit of a top up in your tank. It can take years to get things on an even keel but if you manage things everything is easier in the long run and so much better for you and your son. So keep your eye on the long term.

It sounds like you are doing a great job. It sound like Dad is doing the main things in terms of keeping in touch with his son and accepting responsibility and you really do want this to continue you do you do you do. If there are real reasons why you want contact to be in a centre that you have not included here such as you don’t feel safe then by all means investigate that route, but I would try and work through this in other ways.

Having read your letter several times I would guess that he is an OK bloke , when the baby was young you got on well , he is taking his responsibility pretty well and his Mum sounds good . It also sounds as if he is an unhappy about something, his girlfriend not working out, who knows but he is unfairly lashing out at you which is clearly not on.

The best way to cope in this situation is to lead by example , to not rise , to not argue back , to apologise such as I hope I have got enough nappies for you am really sorry if not
I am sorry but he hasn’t slept well last night so he may be a bit crabby

To defuse the situation by being calm and rationale. Ignore his bad behaviour it is virtually impossible to argue / be rude to someone who is being nice. Say thank you as much as you can.

This may sound like mad advice but all it is doing is suggesting a way of behaving to you that is so extremely non confrontational that it disarms him completely and can lead to a great outcome of him behaving better , your son witnessing less agro and you being in a calmer environment. You have tried rational discussion, so I wouldn’t do that again just agree with yourself that you will give this a go for a month. Make sure you don’t stray onto topics that have created arguments in the past and that act as flashpoints just keep it friendly courteous and to the point.

If you can’t do this then make sure someone else is around when you are together, it is much harder to be rude and unreasonable in front of other people.

Also get his mum to buy him a copy of the book as well, it is very pro Dad and may help

All the very best you sound fab and strong and not wishing to sound patronisng old bag, a very mature 18 year old. Dad is also 18 but he is Dad, he is great for junior and gives you much needed break to do your thing so keep Cool I feel sure you can do it .
Good luck

Kate