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Temperature check - how are you doing in front of the children?

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Underlying everything we do at Kate & Emily is the fundamental belief that we do what we do for the health of ALL our family (both us and our children). Our children ground us and looking at things through their eyes helps us to behave more like adults and to keep our pride and self-respect in tact! Of course our children aren’t in clover about the whole thing, but we can at least have homes where they feel able to tell us what they think and feel

So here are some questions to help you to take a look at how you’re doing things at the moment. The answers might help you to:

  • change tack a bit
  • keep on trucking or,
  • reverse at speed and start again!

    There’s always a point to fixing things – even if only for damage limitation. ‘Can’t’ is not an acceptable answer….

    TAKE THE LONG VIEW…
    Write down your answers to the next 2 questions. The first thoughts that pop into your head, anything, write them all down…

  • What do you want for your children?
  • What do you want to send them out into the big wide world knowing and believing in?

    Now review what you’ve written and question yourself:

    ‘in my heart of hearts is what I wrote true?’

    Change it if you need to, but be very sure that you have ended up with a very honest description of what you want to do for your children.

    HOW ARE YOU DOING?

    Do you….?

    A) Let slip in front of the children that your ex is a scheming, tight-fisted, money grabbing good for nothing
    B) Keep things as normal as you can by keeping to the old routine and tried to protect them by saying they’ll understand when they’re 18 and you’ll tell them then
    C) Explain human frailty and however fickle love between adults can be, it’s always a constant and never changes regardless of circumstances between a Mum / Dad and Son / Daughter

    If your child was in the leading role at the school play. Would you…..?

    A) Not tell your ex about it so they don’t go
    B) Invite them, but do your best to keep your distance during the performance and during the interval, by giving them a very wide berth?
    C) Save a seat for them so you could sit together, so your child doesn’t have to worry about you being upset with their Mum / Dad there, and they can just bask in the knowledge that you’re both there to cheer them on?

    Do you….?

    A) keep your ex’s family well out of the picture, refusing to talk about them or pass on any family stories about them or your ex to the children?
    B) Worry constantly that your children are victims of adult failings, and believe that their poor behaviour is entirely due to their parents being separated?
    C) Widen your circle of adult role models, bringing Aunts, Uncles, cousins, Godparents etc into the picture and badgering them into playing an active role in the children’s lives

    Do you ever ask the children…..?

    A) Has Mum / Dad got a new squeeze then? Are they horrid and ugly?
    B) How was your weekend at Mum / Dad’s? What did you get up to? And then react to the answer by saying how irresponsible your ex was to allow them to be out so late, stay up late, swim without armbands, watch an 18 film etc etc.
    C) Are you OK? How do you feel? Because sometimes children do feel a little sad / upset / / confused / angry / happy / relieved etc when they’ve just come back home from seeing Mum / Dad

    IF YOU ANSWERED MAINLY…

    A’s: Reverse at speed!
    B’s: You’re with the majority – well done as your going in the right direction, you just need to have a look at how you’re doing it and make some changes
    C’s: Well done! Keep on trucking!

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