I have no doubt that at some point in the future we all imagine having a decent boyfriend / girlfriend. Getting there is not without its pitfalls, particularly as we all come with children. Therefore to ensure future success I’d like to look at new relationships that we’ll have purely from the way we manage them with our children.

PREPARATION
Settle down in a favourite spot: on a sofa, deckchair, park bench, train, pub etc with pen, paper and enough time not to feel in a hurry, or to allow you the excuse not to mull things over properly (which is why we’ve called them ‘Things to Mull Over’).

1ST THING TO MULL OVER: YOUR CHILD(REN

Before you get carried away thinking about new partners, let’s set the scene and think how you expect your child(ren) to react to a new man / woman in your life?

Write it down and remember, if you have more than one child, to think about each of your children’s reactions, as they may be different to each other.

It is not unusual for children to experience:

­ Feelings of replacement
­ End of dreams of parents being together
­ What was wrong with our new family? Why do we need them?
­ Jealousy
­ Rejection

Write down how you’d like your children to describe your new boyfriend / girlfriend

2nd`THING TO MULL OVER: INTRODUCTIONS
If you haven’t got a partner, picture having one. Can you write down how you imagine you’d introduce them to your children? Bear in mind the reactions and feelings you thought your children might have –does that help to guide you on how best to introduce a new partner?

If you’ve had a new partner, or got one, what did you do? What would you do differently and what would you do the same if you have to go through the process again?

3rd THING TO MULL OVER: IN PRACTICE
Of course having a new relationship’s exciting but to make it last it might help to have thought about how you want it to be like and how you imagine it working beforehand. Scenarios to think through are:

1. Do I want them to have a relationship with the children or are they just mine?

2. What do I want them to be like with the children?

3. What role, if any. Are they to play in my children’s life?

4. Are they to be part of my family, or kept separate?

5. Should I tell my ex before I tell the children?

6. Should they meet my ex?

7. How am I going to balance my children’s and my partner’s demands on my time and attention?

Thinking through these scenarios will help you to be at least a little bit prepared for them. We don’t have the answers, but we do know that being prepared and going in with your eyes open to the pitfalls can help to keep a new relationship on the straight and narrow.