Re-Marrying

Who knows who finds the ex re-marrying hardest. Some say the children as it marks the end of their dream of parents getting back together. Others think it’s harder for the ex ‘left behind’ and still single. Others say it’s worse for the parent not getting married as they have to make it as OK for the children as possible and play the game by behaving beautifully.

PLAYING THE GAME
What’s playing the game? It’s being incredibly decent and happy for the new couple: congratulating them, asking them nice simple questions about the day, offering help getting the children ready etc.. It’s easiest to think of the right way to be as behaving as if they were a couple of your friends getting married (not best pals, more friends of friends as throwing your arms around them with tears of joy running down your cheeks is a little OTT!). But playing the game like this is easier said than done as they’re NOT just a couple of people you know socially: you have a history and you have got to some sort of mutual agreement (whether spoken or not) about how you operate as separated parents. You might not operate particularly well, but usually the boyfriend / girlfriend takes a back seat and any conversations (or shouting matches) are between just you and your ex with girlfriend / boyfriend in the wings. It feels to many that as soon as the ex and new partner have a baby, or get married, that that this balance shifts with the boyfriend / girlfriend now up-graded and cheek to cheek with your ex. It’s this that brings on the feeling of you (and the children if they live with you) being knocked down the pecking order as it feels like 2 against 1, couple against singleton or old family against new family). Perhaps it’s not even a feeling, more a sense of foreboding or impending doom. Perhaps it’s all in your head and not based on any hard facts. Whatever, you’ll feel it. Recognise it, don’t let it take a hold or get out of control. Reign it in and mark your territory.

MARKING YOUR TERRITORY
Even if you’re blissfully happy for the new couple (sincerely so!), and it doesn’t make you feel in the slightest bit odd seeing your ex with a new spouse or family – you will still sense the power base shift! It’s important to know it’s going to come because you need to feel pretty strong about your own patch to deal with it. I’ve heard it best described as ‘marking your territory’, just as any animal does. Perhaps not exactly peeing in the corners of your house and patrolling your borders but that sort of thing – being in charge in YOUR home. These stories illustrates what I mean:

‘As soon as they got engaged I noticed a change in his girlfriend. She became much braver and even told the children off in front of me. I was really taken aback which is odd really, as she wasn’t being nasty to them, or ticking them off in a horrid way, and they didn’t seem to mind. It just made me feel like I now had someone else to reckon with who had assumed a right to parent my children but not in a cosy way. I felt like the nanny, the lax parent and they’d be in charge… A week or so afterwards I found myself doing all sorts of jobs in the house like spring cleaning and fixing things. It felt very therapeutic, like I was re-marking my territory and reminding myself what was mine to defend and keep – a sort of BACK OFF shout to anyone nibbling away at my edges!!’

‘I should have stood my ground the first time my ex’s new wife phoned me up to criticise my daughter and the way I was handling her. I was too bloody English about it all and polite really, letting her say her piece and discussing it with her as if what she said had any value! I’m furious now, I should have told her to sod off and leave my daughter to me and my ex. At that moment I defined the rest of our relationship and by default the relationship my daughter has with them now. It’s rubbish to be frank, and a lot of it is because I didn’t stand up to her, I didn’t make it clear that me and my ex were the parents and that we’d deal with it. I didn’t set the boundaries within which we could all work together’

‘I want my front door keys back now. He’s moved out, it’s over and I want to feel like this is my home and that when I shut the front door it’s just me and the children doing what we want and the rest of the world is outside. I don’t want to open the door and find he’s dropped something round that the children left at his over the weekend. It makes me feel like I’ve been invaded somehow or spied on. It’s MY patch now so I should have my keys back’

So that’s ‘the game you play’ with the happy couple:

  • Detach yourself and talk about the wedding / baby as you would to someone else (ie polite and interested)
  • Keep the thoughts you’re less proud of to yourself – let them out and they’ll run riot – not an attractive look!
  • Steady yourself for a power shift and make sure you’re feeling secure
  • Re-state, either through actions or words, what your boundaries and house rules are (pee in corners!)
  • When you feel like you’ve done saint-like behaviour for too long and feel like stopping, remember that the reason why you’re playing the game so beautifully is because you want to make it as OK for the children as possible

    HELPING CHILDREN COPE WITH RE-MARRIAGE
    Perceived wisdom is that a parent getting re-married is incredibly difficult and distressing for a child as it really does put the quibosch on their parents getting back together. If it’s hard for you then imagine how hard to is for them. However, not everyone has dreadful experiences of children being ripped apart. For some children it seems to range from being a non-event and barely coming onto their radar, to being a generally happy and exciting time.

    The thing is to be prepared for the worse reaction and hope for the best one because as every parent knows ‘happy children, happy parent!’ It’s nerve-wracking and puts your tummy in knots worrying about how they’ll take the news and a huge relief when it’s done and you’re in ‘dealing with it’ mode.

    Weirdly, if it all seems to go without hitch and everyone’s happy you can feel a bit sort of let down ‘why did I get so anxious about that? I clearly didn’t need to bother thinking and worrying about it to the extent I did – they’re perfectly OK about it’. Yes and no. I bet the fact that you and your ex had thought and worried about it so much made it go as well as it did. Don’t ever think that it wasn’t worth doing your best – that is the reason why it worked!

    Here are the Top Tips for breaking the ‘I’m getting married again bomb-shell’. These have been gleaned from all over. Lots of people have tried different tacks and both seem to have worked, so the thing is probably to have a mull over these ideas and use them as a starting point to think through what you’ll do. You know your family better than anyone so do what sits comfortably and feels right.

    However, one thing I think you all SHOULD do is discuss the approach with your ex, particularly if your ex is living with the children as they’ll have a different perspective on the children’s reactions. As a bare minimum you’ll both need to know what the children are going to be told so that you can work out what you’re going to say

    WEDDING PREPARATIONS
    Children like to know EXACTLY what’s going to happen, and in the greatest of detail. ‘What will the room look like? Will there be rows of seats? Who’s going to marry you? Where will I stand?. They need the sort of detail that goes beyond what most others are happy with such as ‘we’re getting married on x in a registry office in y. You’ll b there with a, b & c. Afterwards we’ll go out for a nice meal in town’. It’s not enough information.

    If you don’t literally walk them through the day and the celebrations, describing the scene so they can picture it and how they fit in to it, they’ll end up popping out these questions over time to you and their other parent. Helping them visualise it will help them overcome their nerves or anxieties about it and ensure a happier day for you and them. It’s very unlikely that their mother or father will be with them at the wedding to hold their hand and steer them through the day, so the more practice they have beforehand the better. Help them practice their role if they have one (even if it’s walking in straight lie behind the bride). Play the music they’ll be walking to, listen to their reading or speech, show them your dress or suit and get them to practice dressing up in their outfits. If you’re the one getting married you should be doing this with the children. If you’re the other parent then support it and offer your help to the children. I know it’s a lot to ask for an occasion that you’d much rather not be dealing with and has no obvious benefit to you. But, if you don’t make yourself behave like a goody-goody, any dodgy feelings you have about it (eg irritation, uninterest, or just plain old jealousy wishing you were the happy couple) come to the fore big-time and certainly won’t bring out your good side!

    • ( categories: Articles | New Relationships & Families )