It’s common knowledge that becoming a stepparent can be tricky. Part of this must be unrealistic expectations. Even the name step PARENT comes with connotations of closeness and love for your stepchildren that may pass you by completely. It’s not hard to imagine the massive irritation caused by the sprogs playing up, ruin your evening with your hero or heroine, making numerous irritating demands on your lovely lady / man, or even by them getting up at 6am and ruining any early morning love-in!

However, I speak from a complete lack of experience in this area. I can only assume that it feels something like it did when you get married and a whole raft of in-laws arrive, and you become a family member, without feeling like it’s your family at all. It’s a closeness that feels very unnatural to start with as there’s no history of growing up together, no comfort in knowing that you can say or do what the hell you like and they’ll still think the sun shines out of your bottom! It must be odd for the in-laws too as having a new family member means they have to juggle things around, treat you as they do the rest but without really knowing you. It’s time that builds the bond between you and your in-laws. I didn’t rush that relationship thinking that we had to love each other madly otherwise we weren’t a functioning family, being friends was enough. In fact it’s more than enough and in time it became real affection. I suppose that’s the approach I’ll take to either introducing a step-father or becoming a step-mother: chill, enjoy friendship and don’t expect to become a mother or father (just as you don’t expect to become a real daughter or sister to your in-laws). This sounds all terribly wise and sensible – I clearly can’t take full credit for this advice… I’ve been reading and listening to step-parents who’ve actually done it and it’s pretty much the advice they pass on.

Here is some of that advice from step-parents….

‘I felt a deep sadness that my husband had done so much and shared so much with his ex-wife and that they’d always have that. But I loved him and his son and wanted to be a part of their lives. I was desperate for some practical tips for dealing with these destructive thoughts, so I went to see a counsellor. The solution was ‘time. You’ll be amazed at how much better you’ll feel in a few months.’ I thought about it and it struck me that things had moved amazingly fast for us. I decided to try and loosen up a bit. I stopped stressing about being the perfect stepmum, and had some ‘me time’ at the weekends while my boyfriend enjoyed time with his son. I relaxed and became more flexible in when I had time just with my boyfriend. And you know what? I look at my stepson and thank my lucky stars I’m privileged enough to help shape this young life.’

‘It took me a long time to get emotionally involved with the children and, in those early days, I had to tread a diplomatic line between sympathy for what my husband was going through and a slight feeling of relief at having time back just for ourselves.’

‘Whatever his ex-wife and I feel about our different roles has to take second place to the happiness of the children, who, after all, never asked for any of this to happen.’

The biggest hurdle facing marriages where the partners already have children is discipline. We had a delicate balancing act and plenty of patience was needed.’

‘Family post-divorce is a funny thing. There’s no agreement even about who belongs to the family and who doesn’t. Every person has their own version – to expect otherwise is to court failure. But once you’ve weaned yourself off ideal images, family life becomes possible again. It can even be happy! It just takes time. I think I knew that at the beginning, I just didn’t realise how patient you had to be’

It was only lowering my sights and accepting that my stepchildren had good reason to resent me, just as my children had good reason to resent their new stepfather, that the healing could begin. The day we sat down with them and asked what we could do to make things easier really helped too. We had hundreds of discussions about food, shoes, homework, laundry and all the other rituals that make a home a home.

Love is what you’ve been through with people, through thick and thin, for better for worse. And families come to those who wait.’