Email to friendPick your time - make sure no-one's tired, hungry, in a rush to do something else etc.
keep it simple and straightforward - be prepared
Tell them with your girlfriend / boyfriend, but you do the talking. Think how you sit together - not so it's you 2 opposite the children (i.e. a them and us situation)
Alternatively you tell the children and bring your girlfriend / boyfriend into the conversation at the end (I’ve know both with and without partner to work)
Expect the worse reaction - allow them to react as they need / want.
Tell them what's happening - you're not asking for their permission. It IS going to happen
Don’t tell them how happy you are (they need to feel like they can voice doubts, worries etc)
They need lots of reassurance that you still love them and that it doesn’t ever change that
Think what you're going to say to their questions. Likely ones are...
Details of wedding
Does it mean you're having children
is she / he their step mother or father then? What do they call them?
Does mummy / daddy know? What do they think? can they come to the wedding?
What happens to us? What changes?
Let them ask questions - if they say nothing, or that it’s all OK then prompt them with 'some children can be worried about their Mummy / Daddy getting married again -what do you think about it?’
Don’t tell them at bedtime, so that they have the rest of the day to do a nice thing with you so they can see you don't behave differently with them - everything's OK.
Go easy on them. Be careful to only fight battles you really need to. You really don't want them to come away thinking you don't care anymore. If they can’t articulate their feelings then it might be that they do through their behaviour.
Get them to bed in good time so there's time to talk if they want to and they don't get over tired and emotional
Let your ex know what you say to them so they can say the same.
Your ex needs to talk to them when they get back from hearing the news.
Keep an eye on how the children do. It might be over time that their reactions and feelings come to the fore
A word of warning to all newly engaged, happy couples, it might not lead to the celebrations you hoped for…..
‘We told his children and they were fine, no fallout, perfectly sweet. Just deeply uninterested! I was desperate to celebrate and talk about it and they kept on changing the conversation. We went to see my parents all together and they were so keen to pay the children attention that they talked about insects or something. I felt rather flat!’
‘The children came back with their dad and his fiancée and he said ‘ tell mummy about this weekend’s news;. He looked all beamy and happy and the children looked sheepish had a good think and then told me that England had won the cricket!’
‘Perhaps it’s because me and her Dad split up, but I heard our daughter ask him if he was going to break up. This was only a week or so after he’d told her he was getting married again! I wonder if that’s why she seems to be un-bothered about it all – she just doesn’t think it’ll be for that long because it wasn’t for me and her Dad.’
'My daughter wants to know what will happen if they split up at the wedding!'
Printer-friendly Page
