Lonely? Moi? Getting used to being on your own and learning not to fight it

Single parents often say they feel something that encapsulates some or all of the following. Loneliness, isolation, and generally just a bit different to everyone else.

This feeling alone business needs to delved about a bit for moving on purposes. Clearly you are not alone, you have the children yeh but no but not an adult, I hear you wail.

Well maybe the adult you previously lived with was not your ideal companion, kindred and conversationalist if you are honest so that category doesn’t count either!

Actually you probably have lots of friends and family or maybe even a small family far away and just one or two friends fear not quality not quantity. So what is this feeling all about?

1 Feeling alone as you realise that you have ultimate responsibility for the children and yourself
2 Realising that as marvellous as your friends are the truth is you just don’t quite understand if you haven’t been there
3 Feeling as though you are not anyone’s number 1 .
4 Or just that you don’t want to spend another Friday night in on your own when the rest of the world is out having fun

TOP TIPS

  • Get used to living alone, don’t fight it.
    I never lived on my own and when friends who did used to tell me about the joys of living alone, shutting the door, doing as you chose I honestly didn’t believe them but felt they were trying to justify why they lived alone. Now millions of people do live alone out of choice so there must be something to it and there is. The trick is to get used to it and then to enjoy it.

  • Find some solitary pursuits that you might like
    Meditation
    DVDs
    Reading
    Suduko
    Jigsaw
    Writing
    Surfing the internet
    Painting drawing

  • Cherish your old friends
    The can make you feel loved and secured which is great but they can also make you feel a little on the back foot and although we all go through needy patches there is a need to make sure friendships remain balanced.
    Now this is me telling you that friends, however much they love you, may feel
    a bit frightened and vulnerable that the wheels have fallen off your wagon. If this has happened to you what is stopping them is that they'l be protecting themselvs from your germs! And if you bang on and on and on about the detail they'll hide away from you more, l become bored and they won't be enjoying bitching against ex.

  • Make some new friends
    This sounds very touchy feely but do I implore you get a group of like-minded should in similar situation together. You will build friendships to fill those common tricky times whilst building new friendships with people who understand where you are. This is a major aim of Kate &Emily and you will be able to do this on line but in the mean time we need to think a lot about this

  • Share the load
    Try to make the responsibility less of a solo mission by sharing the responsibility first with the children’s other parent. Have a look at the co parenting section and really try and work out some ways of sharing the responsibility. You may feel like batting on completely on your own with an “ I can cope� mentality but by offloading this to some extent will be good not only for you but for the children. If this is not possible or in addition try and share the responsibility a bit with other family members, Grandparents on both sides can be great for this and the Grand parents section gives some great ideas to develop this idea further.

  • Extend your community
    Go out and make some new friends. Find people who like the same sorts of things as you do. Write a list of things you like doing or would like to explore such as:

    Book club at the library
    Bridge club
    Adult education
    Wine appreciation
    Wrtitng groups
    Laughing and going out
    Charity work
    Church
    Tap into your neighbours
    Tap into your children’s friends’ parents

    Get out there and get social and make some plans when you are having an up moment, one of my friends who plans theatre trips etc in frenzied intermittent sessions described his activity as spontaneous planning – I think that gets the idea across perfectly!

    • ( categories: Articles | New Single Parents )