Right let's cut to the chase, we do have friends and we do have family just as I am sure you do. The trouble with them is they are not single parents. To be honest it takes one to know what you are banging on about. My wonderful gang have zippo experience and to be quite honest I think that they get most of their advice etc from a combination of Coronation Street, Woman's Hour and The Daily Mail a worrying combo at the best of times!! There has come a point when you want to shout 'no you don't know, you just think you do. Pete playing golf alot, or travelling with work etc etc etc is not the same.' The freaky part is that we find that many many people feel different and most don't particularly like the feeling. Emilia has done some co ordinating of some of the things people have said to us. As she says ...........
One of the things I remember feeling so strongly was ‘no-one else will understand what I mean, it’s impossible to explain so I better deal with this on my own’. Well, there’s a fine line when it comes to talking about this sort of thing anyway isn’t there? Who really wants to know the gory one-sided in’s and out’s of it all? Even I get bored listening to myself so saving friends for the more jolly pursuits and things in life seems sensible to me. However, as to that ‘no-one else will understand’ feeling – that soon got blown away after I’d got stuck into good conversations with my Kate & Emily muckers. I’ve listed what they said below so you too can scan it and see if any of it rings true to you too. It’s a weird feeling, but when you come across others in the same situation and they find words for something, or articulate something, that you’ve been struggling with it’s a Eureka moment – so read on for yours…..
These are words that others have used to describe their life now.
Due to being a single parent I’m…..
Isolated
Empty with no partner to share with
Worried about money
Enjoying being me on my weekends off – I’m not a mother or wife and can be me and as messy or tidy as I want!
Interested in my career
Exciting
Busy
Inadequate
Like my life
Responsible
Focussed
Complicated
Feel in control most of the time
Exhausted
Anxious
Stressed
Trying very hard
Increasingly lonely
Feeling lost
Trying to be brave about the future – but worried about it
Protective towards my child
Angry
Something is missing
Unfulfilled
Inferior
Increasingly thrifty
Questioning / searching
Longing / jealous
Challenged
Hard working
Unsettled
Lazy
Crashing bore about me
Scared of making mistakes
Looking for control
Pulled in lots of directions
I’m also…. (but NOT JUST because I’m a single parent)
Contented
Fulfilled
Constantly juggling
Tired
Occasionally exhausted
Lacking time to do everything well, makes me feel frustrated
Sociable
Kids come first
Fun – enjoy children, friends, work and travel
Rewarded – children, job, house and friends
Loved by children and friends
Usually energised
In control
Have ups and downs
Confined and trapped
Can’t see a plan for the future, have no idea what the future might hold
Bit old and unattractive
I would not turn back the clock
Lively
Want to do things right
Looked to for advice
A new parent and learning about that and making it up as I go along – learning to cope as a single parent hasn’t been an issue yet.
Then there are the things that make people pleased to be a single parent. Every cloud has a silver lining and here are ours….
Sometimes my married friends envy my ‘freedom’ to work and to not be ‘stuck’ at home with the kids.
Married women have to deal with their spouse’s family and buy the Christmas presents.
Married friends sometimes seem to have to compromise so much more than I do.
A lot of married women spend all their time spending what their husband earns on things to impress other married people!
Married people are often bound by convention.
Married people don’t pick up people in bars or night-clubs (and if they do they’re in trouble!)
Married people may be more socially competitive.
Married people often have a routine – book everything way in advance -they have a lack of spontaneity.
Married people often have to compromise (they can’t be selfish).
Married people’s social life revolves around dinner parties.
I don’t have to consult anyone or feel guilty if I spend money on me – the fact that I rarely do doesn’t matter!
Some of my married friends seem to be quite fearful of their husband’s response to something or whether their husband is faithful.
Married friends need to ‘consult’ on certain decisions – I can decide everything.
We don’t have to have put up with average sex anymore! And we get a whole bed to ourselves!
I know my children better as I spend more ‘quality’ time with them, instead of having to divide myself between them and my husband
And these are the things that we’re envious of….
Married people share financial resources and responsibility
Married people share responsibilities for kids/task
I’m sad for my son not to have a Dad around to be a Dad, like he sees his friends have.
When I’m invited to dinner parties by married friends, I’m very conscious of not having a partner. Sometimes an ‘extra’ is invited, which can be excruciating.
Sometimes in a social work situation – where I have been invited to a dinner/cocktail where spouses join (who don’t know me) they appear very wary and unfriendly
Married couples have a permanent ‘playdate’ with each other whilst the children ‘play’
Married couples go on holiday together as a ‘family’ rather than tagging on.
One parent is on bath duty, whilst the other cooks. Single parents do both.
Married people get regular sex (whether they want it or not)
Married couples can baby-sit – whilst other parent goes to the gym/supermarket etc.
Married couples can ‘trouble shoot’ about the children when they’re in bed. Single parents have to sort other sources of support etc.
Married women seem to be given fantastic presents – I very rarely get given anything!
Organising a special occasion – married friends seem to have special events organised for them, birthday parties etc. – I have to organise my own (generally) so usually I don’t
Sharing – no one actually knows the intricacies of my day to day life – in a marriage you have that.
Teamwork – I’m so used to doing everything for myself I am completely taken aback when a friend’s husband offers to help.
