We’re often told by those interested in our spiritual and mental health that we must find it in ourselves to forgive those who upset and hurt us. Once we’ve done that we can move on. Well, not so according to Professor Aaron Lazare, Dean of the University of Massachusetts and author of ‘On Apology’. It’s saying sorry that has the power ‘to heal humiliations, free the mind from deep-seated guilt, remove the desire for vengeance and restore broken relationships’. Lazare describes a good apology as one that satisfies deep psychological needs: ‘it restores self-respect to people who were initially humiliated and made powerless by the offence.’ Saying sorry also means the offender begins to share and understand the feelings the victim has, like feeling stupid, rejected, humiliated etc.. He came to this conclusion after years spent as a practising psychotherapist making ‘heart wrenching observations of grudges in families, lasting from weeks to a lifetime, resulting from the unwillingness of individuals to apologise and forgive’.

So we’re not just talking about you and your ex apologising so one or both of you can begin to forgive and move on. We’re talking about families too, which perhaps means apologising to our children., or to anyone in our family where there’s a grudge. If there’s a grudge there needs to be an apology so that both of you acknowledge and understand the effect of your behaviour on them and come to a deeper understanding. One author wrote that his Mum’s definition of love ‘is seeking to understand the other person in the way you understand yourself’ (Ben Sherwoood). Perhaps real apologies are part of the love thing then? Even if it’s your ex.

However saying sorry for sorry’s sake is no good. You have to change your behaviour after you’ve said it – you have to show you mean it. Ken Blanchard author of ‘The One Minute Apology’ says ‘an apology needs to be substantiated by a change in behaviour that recognises the hurt caused to others and demonstrates a commitment not to repeat the act.’

Hearing a heart felt apology, seeing that it’s meant, and that the offender truly understands what they did to you and feels the shame of committing the offence, can be far more satisfying to the victim than any amount of compensation.