Kate & Emily

The worst thing about weekends is that its such a family time. All of my friends are together with their husbands and kids, going out, meeting up with family or friends and having roast dinners – just enjoying the time together. For me is worse because I know my ex is doing these things with his new girlfriend,the new baby and MY KIDS! I feel I've been rejected and replaced with a younger version!! Its very hard to think of them doing all the things we did, and I'm not a part of that anymore.

In the week your busy working, doing school stuff, homework, clubs etc. Then the weekend comes and its a reminder that you dont have a complete family anymore. Unfortunately, I moved away from my family so I can't just pop round to see them. I find the weekends that I make plans are obviously easier to cope with, that includes weekends with my kids or on my own. When I'm feeling more positive I do enjoy my 'child-free' time. I can go out with friends, have weekends away or just recharge and do something for me.

I am gradually seeing the benefits of time off from being a mum.But when you're on a tight budget you can't just do what you want when you want. Its a big adjustment all round, and especially for me because none of this has been my choice and that makes it twice as hard.

Finally, I feel its too late to try again. I gave him the chance more than once. He had been having an affair for at least a year. It wasn't until he had lived with her for 3 months that he wanted to come straight back. I told him I needed time and he needed to get over her and spend sometime on his own. But he wouldn't risk loosing her, while waiting for me, so he went back. He is not 110% committed to being with me and the kids. I feel like a big part of our relationship has died. He sometimes feels like a stranger. I dont trust him, and I dont believe he really loves me, not in the way I want – because he has put me through so much pain and you dont do that if you care about someone.
So, I want to get this year over with and 2007 can only get better!

It is a lot to forgive and in fact that old relationship is over .

The question that you might consider working towards is do you want to have a brand new one with your ex husband. Starting from scratch with the wooing , the effort , the committment and all of that . I would not have thought you want someone back because you have a nicer house and they might be more comfortable with you , no if he wants to come back then I think it has to be because he loves you , his family and is 110% committed to a new start . Did you ever watch our TV series , a part of your tale reminds me of one about a girl called Heidi . She called a halt , made some new friends , took up exersice , got out there so she felt able to cope on her own , then she was able to say to her ex if you want to try again , we will right from the off ... ask me out and we will go for supper ...a brand new start .

Betrayal is horrible and more children that are not yours I am sure are especially hard to cope with , but you will get there , one way or another. Try not see new child as the reason why you can give up . That whole situation will evolve whatever happens and baby will probably turn into sweet child and like it or not will always be a half sister .

As far as in laws go , just move on with them and try not involve them any more in the mechanics of your marriage . Mothers find it very hard to see fault in their boys ( I have son !!!!! ) even when it is glaringly obvious so it is not worth clarrifying it !!so just ignore that whole bit and confine them to their role them as grandparents .

I think you need a good space of time on your own to stabilise yourself , don't slam any doors shut . Start having a really good think about how to make your weekends better have a go at the MOT form in the You section , read the YOU , toi , Dich article . In fact I will write an article especially for you on this theme so if you could let me know which bits you find hard then I will set to it after I have actually got round to writing the one about twerp co parents!!!!! not that they all are

Off to meet Emily so will make sure she sends a missive soon

Kate

Dear Kate and Emily,
The thing that made my decision to end the marriage was the child that he has had, as a result of this affair. I can't take that on! He has been very weak and selfish about the whole thing. When he told he about it (which I forced out of him, when I couldn't stand his silences and indifference anymore) he just wanted to walk away, almost like it was too much to face. I told him to end it and we could try again. So, I made an appointment with Relate, we both went along. The councellor asked him why he had the affair, he said because it felt like a breathe of fresh air, like we were at the start of our relationship and he was bored with the treadmill of home life! She suggested a trial seperation, for him to think what he wants. So he moved in with his family, I couldn't bear anymore hurt, so because he seems so uncommitted to me I told him to go (partly hoping it would shock him into realising what he was loosing)
He moved in with her and their baby, and has introduced his family to them (within 2 months of me finding out!) He has taken our girls to meet their half-sister and this girl (she's only 25!) He tells me he's not happy, but I feel his family are pushing him into this relationship, because of the baby. I feel like I have been side-lined by them, because I said some hurtful things about their son, how he had let me down, lied to me and I couldn't forgive him (mainly because we wasn't convincing me I was what he wanted, I think he misses our lovely house and girls, while he's living in a council flat with a screaming baby! He has told me he wont live on his own)
It is all such a mess! I do think his mother has influenced him over this decision. They think it's too much to forgive (I know my family feel the same, but have let me make my own decisions)
So, thats why I made my extremely difficult decision, and am trying to make a life for myself, because I don't think he can make me happy anymore. I don't want anything to do with this child – it would be a constant reminder of his betrayal. I have mostly good days, and ocassional bad (usually weekends) I think I will always care about him, because we have been together so long – we met at college when I was 17 and he was 19. It was the first serious relationship for both of us, and very intense from the start.
I think we have had 20 good years together, two beautiful children, but he seems unable to tell me the things I want to hear, that would convince me he really wants to be with me.
PS Your right, it is a crap time of year!
Amelie

Go and talk to someone together, like Kate I'm not convinced it should be over. You see, I was like you in that it was me that said 'it's over', not for adultery or anything like that - more that the marriage had run out of steam and became impossible for me to live in. Since I have had very low times (ESPECIALLY AT THIS TIME OF YEAR!!) but I have never been confused about why or what I did - that, I know in my core, was the right (but not an easy) decision. You need to feel that convinced before you call it a day becuase you're only 8 months in - you will move on, but doing this as 2 seperate parents is always difficult, things never stop raising their heads. You will always have some single parent issue spinning round yoyur head I'm afraid - so don;t do it unless you're ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED THAT YOU AND YOUR FAMILY ARE HAPPIER IF YOU ARE APART.

Hi sorry feel too ill and pathetic to be much use!!! Killer cold . All I would say is do not end your marriage because you are hurt . If you do not love your husband and no longer want to be married to him that is one thing , if you are struggling to understand his behaviour / gross mistake that is another and probably deserves a bit of work .

Do not pass go just go to relate or some other marriage guidance counselling service.

If you love him
If he loves you
You both love the girls and want the best for them

Chances are it is worth a really good fight to save the relationship if poss. It is a pig when you are treated badly ignored, humiliated , lied to and so on , but we can all make monumental mistakes and although things will never go back to the way they were maybe that may be no bad thing .

I read something in a book that struck a cord with me and it was from Dr Phil ( not a bad book "relationship rescue") . Imagine yourself in 10 15 years time can you look your children in the eye and make a sensible case for not trying or can you say , I did everything I could and I just couldn't make it work.

If you try and you can't or even if you can't try then its back to square one and I will have a re think !!!!!
Let me know

Kate

ps rubbish time of year !!!!!!