Kate & Emily

Email to friend

Here I sit working from home and on my mind as usual is my daughter, who will be 17 this June. I will probably delete all I am going to write so if it does appear then I will surprise myself - I have never ever written this down but I am going out of my mind with my situation. My daughter lives in Australia, the last time I saw her was when she ran back to me to kiss me at Terminal 2 in 1995, she wasn't even 2, as she, my then wife and her first daughter left the UK back for Australia. I was 27. I met my wife in Sydney, Australia in 1991, she had a daughter who had no knowledge of her biological father, and she had never had contact. I began to become very attached to her after our relationship developed and at my young age wanted to take her on. I took my wife’s first daughter on when she was 5. This meant my travels were firmly coming to an end and I got a reasonable job in Sydney to see if we could all settle down. I had left the UK in 1989 to travel through Africa (one year) then onto Australia, Perth, across by land to Sydney. How do you meet a young Australian lady who lived miles from anywhere, ie, country areas, who had a daughter, and someone I would love - I did and it all happened so quickly. My impulse as a young man told me to get married and live in Australia. We married in 1993, in the UK, amongst my friends and family. My all had a great time and everything was fine. After our 4 week holiday/marriage/honeymoon, the 3 of us returned to Sydney to live our lives. Immediately after being back in the Sydney, I was away on business within 24 hours – my wife called to tell me the news that she was pregnant. This was obviously excellent news, although I was at the time worried - worried about being young and not earning enough money at that time. My wife told me she wanted to relocate to the UK. She loved my family and thought it would be the right move. Although her parents were nice, she did struggle with her relationship with them and really wanted to try the UK. I was reluctant as in my heart knew I thought it could be the wrong move, but me being me, being selfish, part-wanting to be in the UK, said ok let’s do it. We saved for the next 6 months really hard, enough money to organise things in the UK. We arrived in the February and stayed with my parents who were very understanding. I looked for work and things were looking good – nice second interviews and it looked extremely positive. My wife was fit and well with her pregnancy and her daughter was managing with UK schooling and seemed to be enjoying herself. One snag at this time was when I collapsed and had a fit. I had convulsions during the fit and things were not good. Although not being diagnosed as an epileptic, I could not then drive for 2 years and was prescribed with medication, a low dose of Carbemezapine, a drug used for epileptic people. This situation led to a huge problem – I had to drive for the type of work I was seeking. I became very worried and things became very bad for me and my wife. At the time, I felt a panic and didn’t quite know what I was going to do – married, pregnant wife, a little girl of 8 to look after. My father suggested I buy a shop, live close by the shop so I could earn money for us all to live, commute by bike, and then try and return to my normal profession after the 2 year period. This seemed an excellent idea, but naturally this required funding. He offered and at the time I bit his hand off. I bought a fruit and veg shop knowing nothing about the industry. While all the paperwork was being done, we had our lovely baby and I was overcome. It was lovely and my wife’s daughter was pleased also. We had a place to move into subsequent to the birth, and a business to get running. My friends gave me loads of support, helping me completely gut the shop over a weekend, painting it. We moved into our new house and things were looking up and I felt pleased and comfortable that life would work out. We moved in during the summer months, which really helped, and my wife’s daughter settled down at the new school. The business started well – although I had never had my own business I really took to it and enjoyed it. My wife seem to enjoy things also, I had good support from the one staff member that I took with from the old business. Our new baby was great, and when she started walking all our customers would play with her in the shop - it was very nice. Things got tough though. My wife became unsettled. The lack of money didn’t help. I distinctly remember having barely enough money to go swimming with the children. After about a year, she desperately wanted to go back to Australia. Her background was a farmer’s daughter with 7 sisters, so you can probably see why I felt it may not work with us coming to live in the UK. I soon realised I had a potential nightmare looming. I had bought a business in what was a dying trade for far too much money (around £20k), out of desperation to secure some sort of future for us all. One night things got very bad between my wife and I – too much drink led to her really screaming at me that she wanted to return home. It was not good and I vividly remember putting the call to my parents to pick me up at 2am. This must have been summer 1994. I remember telling myself at this time I could not stay married. I just wanted to give up but in my heart I knew I didn’t. I returned the next day to work it out, which we did to a degree, and a plan was made that she would go back to Australia and I would follow. I put the shop on the open market but no takers. Money was getting tight by the month as the business declined little by little. In the end, my wife wanted to go home so much that we agreed she should go back with the children and leave me to sell the business, earlier than we would have hoped. This meant I wouldn’t have rent to pay by living at my parents, she could live with her parents in NSW, and I would sell the business in time and return back to Australia. Disaster. This is where I kissed my daughter goodbye at Heathrow, said goodbye to my wife and her daughter. This was a massively distressing day for me and the detail is remembered vividly. In fact, this whole period is remembered vividly. A few months went by and no luck with selling the business. My wife and the children seemed settled, I was far from being. So it is here that my life changed forever – I never went back to Australia, I just didn’t want to go back. My wife’s father called me and asked me if my decision was final - I said yes. I look back and cannot even remember the ultimate reason. There is no point in going back to explore the reasons, what is done is done. That was 15 years ago now. I eventually sold the business to a local chap who had no money. I did it on a monthly payment scheme, of which he defaulted on the first payment, but I had to accept I needed to move on and I was prepared to lose £20,000 to get another job and start my life. That’s what it was, a new start. I actually believed I could just start again with repercussions. Now, 15 years later, I struggle with this and it just gets worse and worse. I am looking at the word count of this text so far and it is 1406 words, but there is so much more to tell to make the story have any meaning. We were divorced in 1997, and needless to say my ex-wife was very unhappy with me. I had to move on though, and I did have several relationships. I ended up working in business with the friend I had travelled with in Africa. I did not pay any maintenance money during the first year or so to my wife. This started when I was given a summons from the court. I have never admitted this but this is how it was – there simply was not enough money to pay the loan from the shop back and maintenance – how selfish of me and how stupid. But this is what happened. That said, my pay was back payed and I have never ever missed any payment since. I met a lady who I had a relationship with for 4.5 years in 1998 – this was a very bad relationship and I cannot believe I gave my marriage up to find myself in this mess. We didn’t marry though and I got out in 2002. The real bad thing was she refused for me to have any contact with my daughter in Australia while we were together– why would someone do that. I used to send Christmas presents and birthday presents to my daughter before and as I met this other lady – but she soon stopped that. One night in 2002 an argument ensued about the Australian situation and I thought I have had enough. Things were extremely bad and very volatile. I made the decision to leave and left over the next few days and immediately called Australia and said I wanted to have contact – this was readily accepted and my daughter by now was 9 and she actually and coincidentally wanted to have contact with me. She was in contact with my parents at the time and a message filtered through to me. I increased the maintenance to my daughter and it seemed things would get better. In 2003 I finally meet someone who loved me, and was happy for me to have a relationship with my daughter. We were married in 2004, and now have 2 lovely daughters, a 4 year old and 1 month old. You probably are wondering why I am writing this now??? At the time of getting in touch with my daughter in Australia in 2002/2003, I seemed not to have done enough. I send Christmas presents, and birthday presents. But, in 2004, my mother went over there to visit. The pressure was really on me to go, but I never did. I do not know what the reason was for not going – frightened, too much pressure, new wife, I just don’t know. But I did not go. And of course, after my mother had been, my ex wife seriously piled the pressure on for me to go. It seemed my level of contact was not enough. I would call my daughter but it was hard to have a long and detailed chat, but I guess it would be not having seen her for 8 years! Then the day when I called her and she hung up on me – she was about 14 at this stage. I didn’t know what to do. I called her mother and she explained my daughter wasn’t home I got the message and realise I was simply not doing enough. I now look back on this comment and so want to turn the clock back as I believe I could have gone out there to see her. I am not extremely wealthy, but earn reasonably well being a director/partner in a small/med sized company – I could have gone out to see her. So, time ticks by, I am stuck, I don’t know what to do, I bury my head in the sand. 2006>>2007>>2008, the years roll by. The usual Christmas present, birthday present – but it’s not enough is it? Last year I called her mother, my ex wife, and had a long chat with her. I explained my feelings to her, how I constantly think about this situation, and how I am feeling so much pain about this, how I just want to see my daughter and just make it better. I ask her advice and she has been great over the past 8 months I have to admit - take it slowly and just have regular contact she has said. The big problem is, I have a daughter who is 16 who now just rejects me totally. We have had more regular contact since August 2009 in a “sort of” kind of way. Every time I think we are nearly there it falls away again. She allowed me onto her facebook page which was overwhelming for me – all her photos. She is so beautiful and gorgeous and all I do is look at her, want the pain to go away and see her. Now, at this stage of my life, despite having my children here, my wife, my job, I am hurting, more and more. I remember bursting into tears back in August in front of my wife uncontrollably when I saw my daughter’s facebook photos. It hit me very very hard and completely unexpectedly. I have paid her school fees for the latter part of 2009 (she goes to a lovely school in NSW) and will try and continue to pay them into 2010 providing my finances will allow. I admit this is more out of guilt than anything else, but all the same, I just want to do what I can. My daughters last email to me (Aug 09) explained what I mean to her – nothing. She has told me how can I have left them all, and she is generally very very hurt and upset. I saw this as a no win situation. She commented on the presents I have sent over the years with the usual letter signing off “I love you, love Dad” – “what right do I have” etc etc Confusingly, her mother after Christmas said she would like me to have her mobile number I sent a message to her mum wishing them all a happy Christmas – I have text her, but now she says the texts are all too much and she cannot handle them – this is fine no problem, I just wish I hadn’t have sent them. My issue now is I actually, as a grown man of 41, do not know what to do. I am at a loss, I just don’t know. I offered to go there to see if we can talk things through, but she has said not atm (at the mo). I started this letter at 3pm this afternoon and it is now 9.10pm. I keep re-typing but I actually feel so tired now, I just want someone to tell me this will all be okay and everything will be fine. I know it will not be though. I thought back in 1995 no further than my nose. Now I am suffering and I know my daughter is as well. I have a nice life now, as does she, but I am sure the 2 of us suffer, mainly her because I never followed them all to Australia in 1995 and I have never been consistent and generally I have been an all round nightmare with contact. What a mess.