Kate & Emily

Hello,  Kate's right that it will pass and bite size pieces are the only way to go.  There's never a right time to tell children, but there are wrong ways of doing it.  Although your life sounds horrid at the moment, it odes seem that you and oyur ex are functioning in a civil way and that should mean that you'll both be able to sit down calmly and tell the children together.  Remember that the most importnat thing to do is to make sure that you both take the blame - it's becuase it didn't work, and not becuase dad has left us.  The children will feel responsible, even if they don;t voice it.  We've spoken to pleanty of adults whose parents split up whrn they were little and they all thought it must be something they did - even as silly as it being becuase the were naughty the night before.  Please make it completely clear that both of you love then however they behave - but adult love is different.  The other thing I've learnt form talking to adults looking back on it is the need for attention and reassurance that thye're sitll loved, so both you and your ex will need to make sure they still get your attention - don;t overcompensate, keep home and the way you treat them / discipline them the same, and constantly reasure them they're loved by you both.  It is a horrible time so don't be hard on yourself and the way you deal with it.  Look after your health.  I don't think it's a bad thing to tell the children when they're back at school as at least they have that routine still and you have a break from them during the day too to look after yourself without 2 young observers!  I wish you so much luck and promise you that each year you'll look back on what how far you've come and what you've done and feel very proud of yourself and your children.  We'll be thinking of you, get in touch if you need us!  Emily

thanks kate. i counted it wrong its actually 4 weeks yesterday. the flat he is renting isnt available til then and he doesnt really have any other options til then, not for 4 weeks. the plan is move his stuff in on the friday while kids at school, tell them fri afternoon, then him leave saturday and i will take the kids round sat and sunday to move some of their toys and books round there. my kids are 6 and 8 so i think its far to early to tell them yet as i will have 4 weeks of 'when is daddy going' and distress.

i did go and see my gp last week, said i couldnt eat/sleep/having scary thoughts/panic attacks etc and he said i was reacting completely normally so didnt think meds were appropriate, unless it was still going on in months to come. i do have a counselling session booked for the week after he leaves, by coincidence.

its very hard to creat any space between us, we are being completely normal with the kids, still taking them out together, we have very good intentions to remain best of friends throughout this, i havent hated him yet, i know that will come, but i also know it will pass in time. i was happy for him to stay til the flat was ready to help me get through the long school holidays, but it is very hard with him having contact with this other woman. after a row he has stopped bringing his phone to bed or out with us (his incessant texting drove me potty) and he had planned to meet her, but i insisted he waited til he left the home, which he agreed to.

i know from reading your site that i am thinking in desperation, but as long as he is here and the kids havent been told, then its not real and i dont have to deal with it.

thank you for your reply, and for your wonderful site. its good to know i am not alone and there is somewhere to come

T xx

Poor you , deep breath and then bite sized pieces. Try to focus on the now , today , tomorrow all this is so hard when you have to consider the children and the way they are feeling and to separate that from how you feel . So what would I suggest

Go to the GP if you feel you are not coping or sleeping , if they think a spot of medication is in order to help you through this then go for it .

Make an appointment with a marriage guidance councillor, they can be great at helping you process the end of a relationship

Use the next three weeks to try and sort your head out , create some space between you and your husband , maybe go away ? . Why is he staying 3 weeks anyway , personally I would want him out ? Do you plan to tell the children now , three weeks time is back to school time isn't it ?

Try not to tell too many people everything ? maybe just one or two or if you can afford it a therapist

Start writing a diary , how you are feeling it is a good way of unburdening and moving forward.

It is a very hard time , it will pass , it will pass but it does take time

All the best , hopefully other people will have ideas and words

Kate