Relationship Breakdown ~ what are the options?

This was written for us by Helen Adam of Family Mediation in Wandsworth (020 3087 2836)

When a couple decides to separate, there are various choices they can make about the way in which they do so. Normally, there are issues to be agreed over arrangements for the children and finance. Certainly as far as the finances are concerned, it is important to obtain legal advice. However that does not mean the couple has to become automatically locked into an adversarial court process.

The marriage or relationship may be over – but that does not mean that any decisions concerning this family should be automatically delegated to outsiders (lawyers and judges). The couple can still make good decisions for their future, usually with some expert help from outsiders. Just because the relationship has failed does not mean they are incapable of finding the best way forward for them and their children. The question for the couple is: ‘To what extent do we want to hand over decisions concerning our future to outsiders?’

My situation may be different from many as I made the conscience decision to bring up my son in a lone parent house hold. The woman leaving the man, I had to leave the family home, find elsewhere to live etc etc it was all very role reversal. There were no other people involved, it was based purely on the fact that I was deeply deeply unhappy and had to make a positive step to change where my life was heading. I knew my happiness would directly affect my son’s happiness and vise versa. What I found out during this transitional phase in my life and that is exactly what it was when I look back at it now, i morphed into what it was I needed to be and so changed the way i worked, thought, lived and acted to accommodate this new and sometimes overwhelming responsibility in life. I went through an incredibly dark period whilst on that journey and suffered with depression, very low self esteem and my confidence suffered for a while. But I did come out the other side, more positive, a little bruised maybe, a lot lot stronger and with a well balanced child who has two parents who love him dearly. I’m definitely wiser and of course the reason for it all, so much happier in life.

Helping couples to reach agreement - How mediation works when families split

Almost always, problems are best solved when people talk. But, sometimes, you need a helping hand.

When relationships break down emotions run high, and talking face-to-face can seem like the hardest thing to do. Sometimes, you need a hand to help get the talking started and focus on what really matters to you. That’s where mediation comes in.

Mediation is a process to help couples who have decided to separate or divorce to talk things through. Mediators are trained to help you reach agreement about how to make the best arrangements for the future. This may be about the way the children are cared for, or how finances will be organised.

• Get rocking and rolling - in the words of an old Roman saying 'a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step'
• Some days you are the insect, others the windscreen. Ponder and wonder....

You are probably adjusting to life without a partner. Either way, brace yourself for the ride. It will have its ups and downs. You WILL laugh, you will cry, and hopefully you will try all sorts of new things, some very exciting…. We will try and hold your hand as you go out of your comfort zone trying new things and dealing with stuff. The ultimate goal is to help you through the first bad bits and to get you and the children through them pretty much intact. Then of course for your 'new' relationship with your ex to work well enough for you both to parent.

But first the early days......... Here are some articles and worksheets that are great for helping you sort out your own issues.

OK settle down for a bit of soul searching and thinking back….

The aim of this worksheet is to help you to realise that there’s probably a reason for you and your ex splitting up that pre-dates the nasty breakdown bit. There were most likely bells ringing about your relationship much earlier. Remembering your bells helps you to realise that you knew something was wrong before it ever got nasty. And somehow taking that sort of long view makes the nasty bit feel more like an inevitable consequence that you both helped to get to. You need to stop dwelling on the climax of the breakdown and look at the bigger picture, accepting that you too have to take some responsibility for it. Here goes…