Kate & Emily - New Single Parents

An advertorial for the Divorce Support Group which gives advice and help on the first emotions post break up

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 19:42:47 +0000

TAKING THE STING OUT OF DIVORCE

Joking and light hearted banter aside, divorce is right up there with death in terms of its impact on your emotional well being. There is no quick fix and no easy answer to what is essentially a bereavement and feels like an overwhelming loss and sense of abandonment.

One of the most important things to do is to accept that you feel the way you do and allow yourself to grieve without fighting it. Rather than immediately rushing off to busy yourself, allow yourself to cry, feel angry and rage if you want to. Not fighting it will make it feel better. There is time enough to pick yourself up and reshape your life. Don’t be surprised by the magnitude of your feelings, indulge them. That’s a much better investment for recovery than masking them.

You've just split up and need to get a lawyer. This tells you what your options are and what might suit you best

Thu, 5 Jun 2008 20:34:54 +0000

Relationship Breakdown ~ what are the options?

This was written for us by Helen Adam of Family Mediation in Wandsworth (020 3087 2836)

When a couple decides to separate, there are various choices they can make about the way in which they do so. Normally, there are issues to be agreed over arrangements for the children and finance. Certainly as far as the finances are concerned, it is important to obtain legal advice. However that does not mean the couple has to become automatically locked into an adversarial court process.

The marriage or relationship may be over – but that does not mean that any decisions concerning this family should be automatically delegated to outsiders (lawyers and judges). The couple can still make good decisions for their future, usually with some expert help from outsiders. Just because the relationship has failed does not mean they are incapable of finding the best way forward for them and their children. The question for the couple is: ‘To what extent do we want to hand over decisions concerning our future to outsiders?’

Susie's Story - her journey and the lessons she learnt on the way

Mon, 8 Jan 2007 11:15:30 +0000

My situation may be different from many as I made the conscience decision to bring up my son in a lone parent house hold. The woman leaving the man, I had to leave the family home, find elsewhere to live etc etc it was all very role reversal. There were no other people involved, it was based purely on the fact that I was deeply deeply unhappy and had to make a positive step to change where my life was heading. I knew my happiness would directly affect my son’s happiness and vise versa. What I found out during this transitional phase in my life and that is exactly what it was when I look back at it now, i morphed into what it was I needed to be and so changed the way i worked, thought, lived and acted to accommodate this new and sometimes overwhelming responsibility in life. I went through an incredibly dark period whilst on that journey and suffered with depression, very low self esteem and my confidence suffered for a while. But I did come out the other side, more positive, a little bruised maybe, a lot lot stronger and with a well balanced child who has two parents who love him dearly. I’m definitely wiser and of course the reason for it all, so much happier in life.

A leaflet about mediation produced by Resolution, the Family Law Assoc

Tue, 5 Dec 2006 13:34:10 +0000

Helping couples to reach agreement - How mediation works when families split

Almost always, problems are best solved when people talk. But, sometimes, you need a helping hand.

When relationships break down emotions run high, and talking face-to-face can seem like the hardest thing to do. Sometimes, you need a hand to help get the talking started and focus on what really matters to you. That’s where mediation comes in.

Mediation is a process to help couples who have decided to separate or divorce to talk things through. Mediators are trained to help you reach agreement about how to make the best arrangements for the future. This may be about the way the children are cared for, or how finances will be organised.

New Single Parents

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 18:37:01 +0000

Get rocking and rolling - in the words of an old Roman saying 'a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step'
Some days you are the insect, others the windscreen. Ponder and wonder....

You are probably adjusting to life without a partner. Either way, brace yourself for the ride. It will have its ups and downs. You WILL laugh, you will cry, and hopefully you will try all sorts of new things, some very exciting…. We will try and hold your hand as you go out of your comfort zone trying new things and dealing with stuff. The ultimate goal is to help you through the first bad bits and to get you and the children through them pretty much intact. Then of course for your 'new' relationship with your ex to work well enough for you both to parent.

But first the early days......... Here are some articles and worksheets that are great for helping you sort out your own issues.

Articles:

Worksheets:

Why didn't it work? Maybe you know but don't want to admit it. Find that bell to help you deal with it

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 11:53:29 +0000

OK settle down for a bit of soul searching and thinking back….

The aim of this worksheet is to help you to realise that there’s probably a reason for you and your ex splitting up that pre-dates the nasty breakdown bit. There were most likely bells ringing about your relationship much earlier. Remembering your bells helps you to realise that you knew something was wrong before it ever got nasty. And somehow taking that sort of long view makes the nasty bit feel more like an inevitable consequence that you both helped to get to. You need to stop dwelling on the climax of the breakdown and look at the bigger picture, accepting that you too have to take some responsibility for it. Here goes…

No you don't know how I feel. Pete playing golf alot at the weekend is NOT the same, we can guess where you are coming from

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 17:00:04 +0000

Right let's cut to the chase, we do have friends and we do have family just as I am sure you do. The trouble with them is they are not single parents. To be honest it takes one to know what you are banging on about. My wonderful gang have zippo experience and to be quite honest I think that they get most of their advice etc from a combination of Coronation Street, Woman's Hour and The Daily Mail a worrying combo at the best of times!! There has come a point when you want to shout 'no you don't know, you just think you do. Pete playing golf alot, or travelling with work etc etc etc is not the same.' The freaky part is that we find that many many people feel different and most don't particularly like the feeling. Emilia has done some co ordinating of some of the things people have said to us. As she says ...........

Lonely? Moi? Getting used to being on your own and learning not to fight it

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 16:54:00 +0000

Single parents often say they feel something that encapsulates some or all of the following. Loneliness, isolation, and generally just a bit different to everyone else.

This feeling alone business needs to delved about a bit for moving on purposes. Clearly you are not alone, you have the children yeh but no but not an adult, I hear you wail.

Well maybe the adult you previously lived with was not your ideal companion, kindred and conversationalist if you are honest so that category doesn’t count either!

Actually you probably have lots of friends and family or maybe even a small family far away and just one or two friends fear not quality not quantity. So what is this feeling all about?

Advice From Others- The best person to get directions from is someone coming back - a few pointers

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 16:46:20 +0000

Here we’ve pooled together advice we’ve gleaned from people who’ve walked this path before you. These are all things that they do, or did, when they too needed to rediscover life on their own.

When my ex left I decorated my bedroom and changed all the furniture so I didn't have to sleep in 'our' bedroom any more. I know that you can't always do that if you can't afford it but you can make smaller changes, perhaps move furniture around, put away painful reminders, maybe do something which you couldn't do when you were together with your ex. I got rid of clothes and things which he had bought for me and defiantly went out and bought a top which he had turned his nose up at a few weeks earlier!

How long am I going to feel like this for ? Go easy on yourself and follow the well beaten path .

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 16:08:52 +0000

We all get to be single parents for a myriad of reasons, some more messy and understandable than others.The real trouble is that whatever happened it is probably not how you imagined things would turn out . If you have been involved in a break up whether you caused the spilt or your ex did it is likely that you will need to adjust to the situation and this does take time . However, we all need to get over the break-up and come to terms with it so that we can look forward and start to plan our new future. The motivation being that there’s a lot of unscripted life out there and an awful lot of life in front of us. So, we’ve looked to the experts to advise us on heartbreak.

Don't be a Victim

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 16:05:03 +0000

I’ve been watching How to Divorce Without Screwing up the Children’ on Channel 4 with pen and paper in hand gleaning words of wisdom from the American divorce coach, the divorcing parents and the children.

The story I want to focus on is the one about the victim, he left her and she’s being as good as she can be. Or at least she thinks she is…..

She is struggling to know how to make things better for her children with a father that has moved abroad and lives with a new girlfriend. Her dreams are shattered and so it seems are her children’s. She feels she’s doing all she can: she loves and hugs her son when he’s sad about missing his Dad, she won’t force her daughter to go to see him if it makes her miserable. She spends time with her daughter riding and it’s fun and easy as it’s a shared passion. The son, well that’s harder he’s a boy and needs his Dad…

You're Settling In To It Now

Fri, 18 Nov 2005 10:11:06 +0000

Make a list of words or phrases that describe you and your life now
Which of these words are as a result of being a single parent and which are just the way you are?
What do you see as being the main differences (good and bad) between you and your married friends with children? Write each difference on to its own post-it note or piece of paper.Once you’ve done that put each difference into one of 3 piles:
1. Differences that make you feel envious
2. Differences that make you pleased to be a single parent
3. Differences that fall in between these 2 piles

It's Just Happened

Fri, 18 Nov 2005 10:08:06 +0000

List 5 words or phrases you’d THINK friends and family would use to describe the way you’re handling your new situation
List 5 words or phrases you’d LIKE friends and family to use to describe the way you’re handling your new situation
What do the think the children need from you now?
List 5 words or phrases that describe the way you intend to behave towards your ex
What are your flash points, the things that upset you? What do you want to be off the agenda when you’re talking to friends / family / ex?
What’s going to need to change for the children / you? What can stay the same?