Relationship Breakdown ~ what are the options?

This was written for us by Helen Adam of Family Mediation in Wandsworth (020 3087 2836)

When a couple decides to separate, there are various choices they can make about the way in which they do so. Normally, there are issues to be agreed over arrangements for the children and finance. Certainly as far as the finances are concerned, it is important to obtain legal advice. However that does not mean the couple has to become automatically locked into an adversarial court process.

The marriage or relationship may be over – but that does not mean that any decisions concerning this family should be automatically delegated to outsiders (lawyers and judges). The couple can still make good decisions for their future, usually with some expert help from outsiders. Just because the relationship has failed does not mean they are incapable of finding the best way forward for them and their children. The question for the couple is: ‘To what extent do we want to hand over decisions concerning our future to outsiders?’

Easter in the rain, how to have fun inside.

This morning I shall be banging on about making merry inside whilst the weather is so vile outside. Before I get you up to your elbows in cutting pasting and paper mache here are a couple of bigger thoughts for the weekend for you to mull on ……Weather you are with your children this holiday season or if they are away.
For some reason wet weather needs planning , probably because it makes most of us feel on the flat and mis side, but the consequence of this vibe spontaneous fun just happens less . We know this weekend is going to be a damp squib so you need to counteract that with a plan of campaign . Day 1 an outing, Day 2 friends or family over, Day 3 indoor capers (see below).

It’s time to focus on you.

When was the last time you really focused on yourself? For so many of us, life has taken unexpected turns, events have overtaken us and though we’re managing to ‘get by’, we can’t remember a time when our focus was on ourselves. Sound familiar? Following whatever major change or upheaval you have experienced, maybe now you feel ready to move ahead with your life. You may feel that it is time to increase the positive influences around you, increase your social network or focus on new healthy relationships. Whatever the reason, it is time to focus on you.

So you’ve reached the point where you’re ready to date again. You’re feeling good and start chatting to an attractive single member of the opposite sex. Suddenly a small repetitive sound starts in your head. Beginning as a whisper it quickly builds to a roar of “When do I mention the kids? When do I mention the kids? �. Desperate to get rid of it, you ruin the flirtatious mood by almost shouting it out or by becoming so concerned about it you hardly dare say anything at all. The conversation dries up and you leave an impression of socially ineptitude or overwhelming single parenthood.

My situation may be different from many as I made the conscience decision to bring up my son in a lone parent house hold. The woman leaving the man, I had to leave the family home, find elsewhere to live etc etc it was all very role reversal. There were no other people involved, it was based purely on the fact that I was deeply deeply unhappy and had to make a positive step to change where my life was heading. I knew my happiness would directly affect my son’s happiness and vise versa. What I found out during this transitional phase in my life and that is exactly what it was when I look back at it now, i morphed into what it was I needed to be and so changed the way i worked, thought, lived and acted to accommodate this new and sometimes overwhelming responsibility in life. I went through an incredibly dark period whilst on that journey and suffered with depression, very low self esteem and my confidence suffered for a while. But I did come out the other side, more positive, a little bruised maybe, a lot lot stronger and with a well balanced child who has two parents who love him dearly. I’m definitely wiser and of course the reason for it all, so much happier in life.