Dear Kate & Emily,

I hope you can help me.... It's my birthday coming up and I'm excited, as I love birthdays! I want my children to give me something, and make a card and a fuss of me! BUT, they're with their Dad on my birthday weekend and I'm really not convinced he's in the mood to remember, or to be too bothered about sorting something out. Am I showing a rather unpleasant spoilt side to me by even worrying about it? I should be more grown-up shouldn't I? If I'm not - then how can I make sure the children do something, without it being me who organises my own birthday cards?

In anticipation,

Probably not! Only in America does it cross a child's mind to divorce their parents. The ex is our history, not our childen's. To them, our ex is their Mum or Dad and they will be forever and ever and wherever and whoever they may be. Even unknown Mums and Dads live in their child's imagination, even then they're not an ex-parent. So how are we going to deal with this? The following questions should help to get you thinking about it....

Q1 Write down the advantages to your children of encouraging your ex to be an involved parent

Q2 Write down the advantages to YOU of encouraging your ex to be an involved parent.

• Your ex is for life and not just for Christmas
• I didn’t say it was your fault I said I was going to blame you
• And on the other hand ……..there are different fingers! Nod sagely at this point

Whilst your ex is your ex, children do not have ex-parents. Whatever your ex may have done, whatever you think of them, or however great a new partner may be with your children, they are still a parent. The ex may drive you round the twist, be a complete no-hoper, or be a ‘nobody’ in your life, but make no mistake that this person is very important to your children (whatever they may tell you, or you may think). Try to remember this so that you can develop some sort of way of managing this issue until the children are old enough to manage the relationship themselves. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it in the long run. When your well-adjusted child turns into a balanced adult you will be able to take a very big slap on the back and know that you did the right thing.

OK settle down for a bit of soul searching and thinking back….

The aim of this worksheet is to help you to realise that there’s probably a reason for you and your ex splitting up that pre-dates the nasty breakdown bit. There were most likely bells ringing about your relationship much earlier. Remembering your bells helps you to realise that you knew something was wrong before it ever got nasty. And somehow taking that sort of long view makes the nasty bit feel more like an inevitable consequence that you both helped to get to. You need to stop dwelling on the climax of the breakdown and look at the bigger picture, accepting that you too have to take some responsibility for it. Here goes…

We’re often told by those interested in our spiritual and mental health that we must find it in ourselves to forgive those who upset and hurt us. Once we’ve done that we can move on. Well, not so according to Professor Aaron Lazare, Dean of the University of Massachusetts and author of ‘On Apology’. It’s saying sorry that has the power ‘to heal humiliations, free the mind from deep-seated guilt, remove the desire for vengeance and restore broken relationships’. Lazare describes a good apology as one that satisfies deep psychological needs: ‘it restores self-respect to people who were initially humiliated and made powerless by the offence.’ Saying sorry also means the offender begins to share and understand the feelings the victim has, like feeling stupid, rejected, humiliated etc.. He came to this conclusion after years spent as a practising psychotherapist making ‘heart wrenching observations of grudges in families, lasting from weeks to a lifetime, resulting from the unwillingness of individuals to apologise and forgive’.