Kate & Emily - The Ex Factor

Celebrating the other parent's birthday - it's still important to the children!

Tue, 6 Jun 2006 11:55:54 +0000

Dear Kate & Emily,

I hope you can help me.... It's my birthday coming up and I'm excited, as I love birthdays! I want my children to give me something, and make a card and a fuss of me! BUT, they're with their Dad on my birthday weekend and I'm really not convinced he's in the mood to remember, or to be too bothered about sorting something out. Am I showing a rather unpleasant spoilt side to me by even worrying about it? I should be more grown-up shouldn't I? If I'm not - then how can I make sure the children do something, without it being me who organises my own birthday cards?

In anticipation,

Heard the one about the ex-Mum and ex-Dad?

Mon, 22 May 2006 12:06:33 +0000

Probably not! Only in America does it cross a child's mind to divorce their parents. The ex is our history, not our childen's. To them, our ex is their Mum or Dad and they will be forever and ever and wherever and whoever they may be. Even unknown Mums and Dads live in their child's imagination, even then they're not an ex-parent. So how are we going to deal with this? The following questions should help to get you thinking about it....

Q1 Write down the advantages to your children of encouraging your ex to be an involved parent

Q2 Write down the advantages to YOU of encouraging your ex to be an involved parent.

The Ex-Factor

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 21:24:32 +0000

Your ex is for life and not just for Christmas
I didn’t say it was your fault I said I was going to blame you
And on the other hand ……..there are different fingers! Nod sagely at this point

Whilst your ex is your ex, children do not have ex-parents. Whatever your ex may have done, whatever you think of them, or however great a new partner may be with your children, they are still a parent. The ex may drive you round the twist, be a complete no-hoper, or be a ‘nobody’ in your life, but make no mistake that this person is very important to your children (whatever they may tell you, or you may think). Try to remember this so that you can develop some sort of way of managing this issue until the children are old enough to manage the relationship themselves. It may not be easy, but it will be worth it in the long run. When your well-adjusted child turns into a balanced adult you will be able to take a very big slap on the back and know that you did the right thing.

Articles:

Worksheets:

Why didn't it work? Maybe you know but don't want to admit it. Find that bell to help you deal with it

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 11:53:29 +0000

OK settle down for a bit of soul searching and thinking back….

The aim of this worksheet is to help you to realise that there’s probably a reason for you and your ex splitting up that pre-dates the nasty breakdown bit. There were most likely bells ringing about your relationship much earlier. Remembering your bells helps you to realise that you knew something was wrong before it ever got nasty. And somehow taking that sort of long view makes the nasty bit feel more like an inevitable consequence that you both helped to get to. You need to stop dwelling on the climax of the breakdown and look at the bigger picture, accepting that you too have to take some responsibility for it. Here goes…

Saying Sorry

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 11:49:46 +0000

We’re often told by those interested in our spiritual and mental health that we must find it in ourselves to forgive those who upset and hurt us. Once we’ve done that we can move on. Well, not so according to Professor Aaron Lazare, Dean of the University of Massachusetts and author of ‘On Apology’. It’s saying sorry that has the power ‘to heal humiliations, free the mind from deep-seated guilt, remove the desire for vengeance and restore broken relationships’. Lazare describes a good apology as one that satisfies deep psychological needs: ‘it restores self-respect to people who were initially humiliated and made powerless by the offence.’ Saying sorry also means the offender begins to share and understand the feelings the victim has, like feeling stupid, rejected, humiliated etc.. He came to this conclusion after years spent as a practising psychotherapist making ‘heart wrenching observations of grudges in families, lasting from weeks to a lifetime, resulting from the unwillingness of individuals to apologise and forgive’.

Kicking Heart Break

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 11:48:50 +0000

We all get to be single parents for a myriad of reasons, some more messy and understandable than others. However, we all need to get over the break-up and come to terms with it so that we can look forward and start to plan our new future. The motivation being that there’s a lot of unscripted life out there and an awful lot of life in front of us. So, we’ve looked to the experts to advise us on heartbreak.

There’s research from London University that says many of us carry the baggage of old break-ups around, and that it messes with our minds. They got this conclusion because they found that women who married their first love have a better mental state than those who’ve suffered break-ups, and the more break-ups we have the more our mental health’s affected, suggesting we’re not getting over them. We have to go through the natural process of loss and mourning. There’s no way round it. Philip Hodson of the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy put it brilliantly: ‘we prefer to skirt round painful issues rather than tackling them head on as around looks shorter and easier, but it ain’t. It’s like going around a bramble patch and finding you fall off a precipice instead’! Well in that case, here are the 4 emotional steps you need to have gone through to ensure you’ve gone right through the brambles and out into the meadows.

Don't be a Victim

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 11:47:49 +0000

I’ve been watching How to Divorce Without Screwing up the Children’ on Channel 4 with pen and paper in hand gleaning words of wisdom from the American divorce coach, the divorcing parents and the children.

The story I want to focus on is the one about the victim, he left her and she’s being as good as she can be. Or at least she thinks she is…..

She is struggling to know how to make things better for her children with a father that has moved abroad and lives with a new girlfriend. Her dreams are shattered and so it seems are her children’s. She feels she’s doing all she can: she loves and hugs her son when he’s sad about missing his Dad, she won’t force her daughter to go to see him if it makes her miserable. She spends time with her daughter riding and it’s fun and easy as it’s a shared passion. The son, well that’s harder he’s a boy and needs his Dad…

People Who Overcame Bad History

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 11:44:36 +0000

We’ve taken heart from those who came to single parenthood from rock bottom and have been able to turn the corner and see the light, however faint, at the end of the tunnel. Here are some personal stories…

I had become part of Jake’s problem: smoothing over the frayed tempers, mending the broken doors. I was making a soft landing for him every time he could no longer stand. Sometimes I feel intensely angry with Jake that, when forced to choose between alcohol and his family, he has chosen the former. I tried to make him stop drinking, but I’m starting to see that while I was powerless to control his life, I am not powerless over my own. Sometimes in the mornings I feel completely overwhelmed by the future. But I feel excited too, and even grateful for the exhausting, rich variety, the experience, that marriage to Jake has given me.’ Isabella Lyne

When Children Lose Interest in Visits, improving the experience for all

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 14:54:36 +0000

‘Visits’ I gather is the wrong word to use for describing your children’s weekends with the parent they don’t live with. ‘Visits’ sends messages we hadn’t even thought about. It seems obvious now I’ve had it pointed out: don’t call them visits – as soon as you do that the children become ‘visitors’ in their other parent’s home. Children can cope with the idea of 2 homes so use that. So instead of visit they can ‘spend time with’ their Mum or Dad, or ‘go to Dad’s / Mum’s house’. And now I do think about it I wonder if ‘visits’ helps to reinforce in our heads the feeling that we’re the main parent, we’re were it happens and encourages us to think of the one being ‘visited’ as an unequal partner in this parenting lark? Just a thought…. And I suppose, as the child, if you think of time with your other parents as a ‘visit’ then it begins to sound unappealing – what right-minded teenager ever ‘visits’ anyone, let alone an ageing, un-cool, out of touch and embarrassing parent?