Kate & Emily - The Children

Get yourself prepared for Christmas by reading our top tips

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 10:49:52 +0000

Do you dread the Christmas conversation that seems to start the minute the summer ends? It always seems to start off as a bit of a joke, but turns into a serious question frighteningly quickly.

For many people the whole festive season can be problematic beyond belief. The dream of a happy family supported by perfect images grinning out from the adverts, coupled with selective memories from our own childhood, can make a horrible mix. Especially when combined with the guilt that our children may not be experiencing the magic, but instead shattered dreams and painful reminders of last year or the past.

THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR CHILDREN

Tue, 6 Jun 2006 12:58:22 +0000

Here are a couple of ideas of things to do with your children that will help generate even more ideas of fun you can all have together in the future.

A FAMILY LIST OF FUN THINGS TO DO
Sit down with the children and make a list of all the adventures you’d like to go on and the fun things you’d like to do.

Use these categories and write down everyone’s ideas under each:

Start with the big ideas (day trips, holidays etc)

The things to do at home if it was raining and cold

The things to do outside that don’t cost any money if it was sunny

The things to do outside that don’t cost any money if it was raining and cold

Questions to help you talk about tricky stuff with the children

Tue, 6 Jun 2006 12:37:32 +0000

Children of any age can find it difficult to talk about how they feel about not living with both their parents. They say it’s ‘fine’ or just don’t raise it but they’re NOT fine, so talk to them and help them tell you. This worksheet gives you an outline of questions you could ask to help you and your children talk.

How are you feeling?

Lots of children can feel sad or angry etc (use whatever adjectives describe how you think your children are feeling) when they don’t live with their daddy / mummy anymore. Does it make you feel like that?

IF YES: Which bits make you sad / angry etc? Which other bits?

Talking to your children, and helping them to unburden their fears and worries

Tue, 6 Jun 2006 11:53:44 +0000

Children of any age can find it difficult to talk about how they feel about not living with both their parents. They say it’s ‘fine’ or just don’t talk about it. But general wisdom is that children benefit from talking about it – just like the adults do! Without talking to you about it they can often get it wrong and think all sorts of things that would make your hair curl if you knew. So, time to find out what they’re thinking and help them through.

When you start to look around for advice in this area the phrase you come across a lot is ‘age appropriate’ communication with children, and when you look for examples of what is age appropriate they’re hard to find. However, you know your children, you also know that what you say needs to be true because you can’t tell them one thing until they’re 18 and then tell them the truth because you think they’re now ‘old enough’ – that, quite frankly is asking for a HUGE backfire-ing session! Hard to imagine it working out well and child hugging parent saying ‘thanks for protecting me so well from such a horrid truth, I now feel well-adjusted enough to deal with it and will revise my feelings and attitudes towards you, dad and love in the light of it. Thanks wow you’re the best!’ So, keep it basic and heavily simplify the complicated adult bit, keeping the nub of what really happened / is happening there so that what you say is true and will still be true when they’re that 18 year old.

On your own with a sick child - you need a plan!

Tue, 6 Jun 2006 11:48:38 +0000

I have decided that having ill children is the worst bit about this whole deal. Do not get me wrong, my family is so stuffed full of doctors and nurses that had it not been for my lamentable performance in chemistry O’ level (U) I too would have been pacing the wards. So how do I find myself at night thrown into a spasm of panic fearing for my son’s life as he has slight bout of the flu?

Boy goes to bed off-colour and with a raised temperature, before he falls fast asleep he mutters turn the light off it hurts. Something is seriously wrong, he always sleeps with the light on! I turn light off, run down stairs ring my father (retired 20years) does his neck hurt??? I don’t know, ring your sister … could be meningitis!!!!!!!!!! Sister not there go on NHS Direct tap in ‘Temperature, eyes hurt with light, screen starts flashing ring 999 !!!!!!!!!!!! Think to self ‘eyes often hurt when you have a temp so I need to do some more tests’. Race upstairs, wake child with torch ‘does this hurt?’ I yell trying to remain calm, put your chin on chest, scour body for rash so thoroughly give child rash…. passes all the tests, begs to be allowed to go back to sleep. Go to bed at 10 can’t possibly leave him in another room how would I perform my hourly observations? So drag him in with me. Feels cooler…. Woken in night by wheezy chest…. Obviously at 3 in the morning this is pneumonia.. Call NHS Direct lovely lady on phone tells me the GP will ring within an hour .. An hour! I don’t have phone near bed… move bedding to sitting room, move son and self onto sofa … fall asleep. 2 hours later GP rings, child breathing normally, temperature down. 7.30am feel like I have done a few rounds with Frank Tyson.

Some really important things children of any age need to understand

Sun, 4 Jun 2006 21:39:59 +0000

Things children of any age need to understand and have a good grasp of follows . You can help them get to grips with these things through thought word and deed and your own behaviour

What has happened and why and what it means to their lives

It is not their fault in any way shape of form

They have not been abandoned

That they are loved and valued

Even though you love the child the divorce is between mother and father

Mum is Mum and Dad is Dad NOTHING can change that

Mum and Dad are their parents and all that that entails
You are still a team

They still have a family it is just a different shape

Heard the one about the ex-Mum and ex-Dad?

Mon, 22 May 2006 12:06:33 +0000

Probably not! Only in America does it cross a child's mind to divorce their parents. The ex is our history, not our childen's. To them, our ex is their Mum or Dad and they will be forever and ever and wherever and whoever they may be. Even unknown Mums and Dads live in their child's imagination, even then they're not an ex-parent. So how are we going to deal with this? The following questions should help to get you thinking about it....

Q1 Write down the advantages to your children of encouraging your ex to be an involved parent

Q2 Write down the advantages to YOU of encouraging your ex to be an involved parent.

The Children

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 21:28:56 +0000

Be nice to your children they get to chose the old folks home
Boycott shampoo demand real poo…….no kids section complete without poo joke
Oh Lord give me patience and GIVE IT TO ME NOW

The harsh fact is that whatever you may think or feel, children do mind very much. However adaptable you think children are, they do find coping with change very hard. Whatever has happened, children hate conflict and argument. However young they may be children have amazing antennae to atmosphere and vibes. Children can, and will, cope but a successful outcome and the quality of their childhood is largely in their parents’ hands. Do remember that both parents will make a huge difference to the way children experience their childhood.

Articles:

Worksheets:

Visits are important top tips for improving visits and helping them to work

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 15:23:51 +0000

Organise a schedule of who’s going where way in advance and put it up for all to see.

Plan your visits.

Make visits meaningful, with time for parent and children to be alone together to talk etc..

Make sure that visits are not all about entertaining them but about being a parent too e.g. do homework and, for example, as they get older let them bring a friend.

Talk about your child’s life with the other parent, but beware of crossing the line between healthy interest and cross-examination!

Spend some time at hand-over with the other parent to ease transition, preferably to discuss accomplishments or worries that you can both share or work on. If it's still very hard then have another adult present to make sure that everyone behaves like grown-ups and to reduce the tension.

Temperature check - how are you doing in front of the children?

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 15:00:27 +0000

Underlying everything we do at Kate & Emily is the fundamental belief that we do what we do for the health of ALL our family (both us and our children). Our children ground us and looking at things through their eyes helps us to behave more like adults and to keep our pride and self-respect in tact! Of course our children aren’t in clover about the whole thing, but we can at least have homes where they feel able to tell us what they think and feel

So here are some questions to help you to take a look at how you’re doing things at the moment. The answers might help you to:

change tack a bit

Sounds Familiar?

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 14:51:04 +0000

Here’s another ‘Sounds Familiar?’ article because it always helps to know that there are others out there with children that are reacting to divorce just like yours. I also like the list of words that the Kate & Emily Mums have used to describe their children’s characters – nothing to do with divorce, it’s how they are warts and all and it doesn’t seem as if they’re a bad bunch and makes me feel OK that my children have joined this gang too.

My children are…… And I think this is as a result of living with a single parent.

Increasingly testing of boundaries

Questioning

Self-Sufficient Children

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 14:41:09 +0000

There’s no doubt that being bought up in a single parent household means that in a very practical way you take on more as a child:

Your mother has one pair of hands, if she’s doing one thing, she can’t do what you need, like getting your own coat out of the cupboard, remembering that it’s swimming at school and what you need to take etc.

You understand money, what a luxury it is and that you can’t have it all

You’re a part of the team with your parent that runs the house, helps with DIY and housework. It’s more of a joint venture

You help to look after younger siblings

Always Remember This....

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 14:34:27 +0000

In the eye of the storm children’s needs should be paramount, not trapped between parents or go-betweens

Realise the differences between your feelings and the children’s:

You might hate your ex, they love him

You might feel like you’re out of prison, they’ll feel devastated

All the books and professionals say it: the most important factor in helping children handle divorce is the on-going relationship they have with their Mum AND Dad.

Love your children as much as possible

Listen to them and let them talk. Tell them it’s Ok to express your feelings

Mothers and Sons, some top tips which might help with testosterone related issues

Sat, 25 Feb 2006 14:12:23 +0000

First of all, the bit that worries us most: the effect on our sons of not living with their Dad...Research is split on the impact on young boys of being separated from their fathers. One school of thought suggests that when boys lose contact with their fathers at a young age, it can contribute to delinquency, emotional and behavioural disturbances and poor academic performance. Another line of researchsuggests that where a child had grown up in a family environment with a high level of conflict between the parents, these children went on to develop both emotional and behavioural problems, and had difficulties in establishing secure relationships. So what do we take out from this?