Trying to move on

Dear Kate and Emily, Thank you for your site! I've been separated now for a little more than a year, after 20 years of mariage and 2 children (10 and 9). I told my husband to leave after discovering he was having an affair. We had always lived between Monaco and Switzerland and because the children go to school in Switzerland and I work there, I decided after the separation to stay there. My ex. works and lives in Monaco, so he insisted in front of the lawyers that he stay in the house when coming to visit the children. I work full time, take care of my children full time and when he does come to spend time with them he's camped out on my sofa! He chooses his dates of arrival and pretends in front of the children that we are one happy family. Sometimes I go stay with friends when he's there but mostly I hide in a hotel. I do not think this is normal and if you know of others in the same situation I would love to know how they handle this. I'm trying to move on and he is refusing to let me! Any suggestions? Thanks

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Problems with relationship with ex

HiI think I will answer

Submitted by kate on Mon, 2006-12-11 09:20.

I think I will answer this a bit from the heart as I do this type of thing and it works really well for our children. The reason it works so well is that the children seem to be happy secure and settled , their lives are not distrupted they are not moved around to a new home on a regular basis , they are experiencing a good family albeit a different one , their father is a part of their lives and not the other way round .

I don't mind it as I see it as being for another 5 years and I am at the anything to keep them happy stage and so it works for us.

The part of your arrangement that I could not handle is the lack of discussion and planing about the time when your ex is on duty.

If I was you it would be my new years resolution to sit down with him and plan the year or if you can't do that a 6 month period of time. Explain to him if this arrangement is to carry on you need to be able to plan and use the time to recharge batteries and the children need to know when he is coming etc etc . There has got to be some give and take here .

And then once you know when you have free time use the time for YOU , do not hide in hotels , do the MOT section and think about taking up new interests, make for the mountains , do charity work , catch up on work work , whatever........ make the time count because it is so important and lets face it you can do this as you know your children are happy in their own home.

The other thing you say is that your ex is pretending you are a happy family. Just because you can function as a pair of parents in front of the children , you may even superficially manage to be civil friendlyish even a bit jokey it does not mean you have forgiven, forgotten and let him off. That will most likely happen over time, but it is not a good idea to remind him constantly in front of the children that you have not forgotten , not forgiven and brushed it under the carpet . That would merely create one of those horrible atmospheres which to be frank is very bad for the children , horrific for you and totally unacceptable in your own home . So if you can manage it , make him plan a proper schedule of visits , use the time when he is at the helm wisely and yes carry on being civil and normal in front of the children at least . It will not work like this and you will not feel good if you are in conflict with him ( whatever he has done in the past ) in your home .

If you can't manage this arrangement think carefully about the alternatives , the children flying to Monaco on a regular basis or your ex taking your children to a hotel in Switzerland and see if you can think of anything that would be better for all of you . If you think about the pros and cons of the alternatives I fancy this might crytalise your thoughts .

Kate