Unwilling Fathers

Hi, I'm new here and could really use some help - Please I am Mummy to Oliver who is 4 in July. His Daddy left when I was 10 wks pregnant after he tried to give me a personal abortion (his exact words). Then, last January as I was visiting home for my Nana's funeral he decided then was the time to see his son. Up until then the last time he saw him was when Oliver was under a year old and he said kids are boring! Back in January last year I saw him there with his then pregnant girlfriend (baby now a yr and now engaged), he acted like the last 2 years never happened and acted the doting dad etc. He then said he wanted to be a dad to Oliver but couldn't come and see him in my home (we live west midlands, he lives Essex). So I was asked if I would go and stay at their house for the weekend so he could get to know his son. This took alot of soul searching as I did not feel comfortable staying in the same house as him. Again he (and Girlfriend) acted like they had always known my son. After about 3 months of spending one weekend a month there I let Oliver go alone. Now after those initial visits he still sees Oliver one weekend a month but the huge problem I have is that he does not bother to contact Oliver between visits. He does not call, text nothing. Even when I text to say Oliver's ill he still doesn't bother. Now I have found out that the girlfriend is pregnant and baby due in about 3 months - I am worried things are only going to get worse. He was meant to have Oliver 2 weekends ago but Oliver was ill so I said he couldn't have him as he needed to be with me, he was ok with this and the date was set for 5th Feb, he said he will collect him and return him on the 7th. But once again there has been no contact. Oliver always asks about Daddy and when is he seeing him, I always cover his back and say Daddy will call soon - but he never does. I am at my witts end - I am sick and tired of seeing Oliver upset every time Daddy doesn't call and the times when Daddy says he will be here in time to collect Oliver from pre-school with me then is an hour late - I am the one that has to watch Oliver cry. I have told him many times that he needs to contact Oliver between visits and suggested twice a week he should call - but again nothing. I have spoken to the girlfriend but she said she cannot make him call. I have also noticed that she does all the leg work when Oliver stays with them - daddy doesn't put him to bed or anything. What am I meant to do??? He says Oliver's too young to talk over the phone - the reason he says this is that he calls at 6pm when Oliver's in bedtime mode, and he doesn't want to talk. It's Wednesday today and he's meant to be collecting Oliver Friday but no word from him. It is like this every month and I am sick of not being able to plan my weekend - as single parents we need our down time. It isn't as if I am going to go out and paint the town red but I would like to know whats happening. Am I being unreasonable expecting him to call his son? Please advise me if you can as I just don't know whats the best thing to do. Thank you Holly Mummy to Oliver 3.5 yrs old

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Absent father / disappearing father

Hi Holly I think you have

Submitted by kate on Thu, 2010-02-04 14:11.

Hi Holly

I think you have going to have to take a deep breath and look at all the postives from both you and Dad from Olivers perspective. Well done you for getting Dad back involved , that is great that is good and that will really matter now and in the future and you really do want to try and maintain that contact . One weekend a month is great and it is very good that Dads new partner is so involved when he stays , it really is good for Oliver that he becomes part of that gang for the weekend. Once again just to be clear I do think that you are doing well to encourage this and it is not easy with little ones , but you also have to realise that a three and a half year olds expectations are managed by you , don't let him know if Dad is late , if Dad doesn't ring does he really mind ? yes if he is expecting it ! I really wouldn't say Dad is going to ring soon if he never does or is it you that mind ? I can understand why you might but I think you might be expecting too much from Dad and you are not going to be abelt to change that . However as Oliver grows and is able to talk properly on the phone ,read and use the computer then this long distance relationship can take on some new dimensions, I just fear you might be running before you can walk and getting yourself steamed up in the process. Let the relationship develop at its own pace .

When Dad comes up next , ask if you agree a schedule written out for the next say 6 months and let him know that you would like to orgainse stuff for yourself on those weekends and so will assume that he will arrive at around x and you will agree to be back by y on the sunday .

Good luck and enjoy the weekends that you have for yourself

Kate