visiting dad

Hi, perhaps a different perspective? My wife and I split in February, when I moved out of the family home in London. I now live in Southsea; a choice made partially to make visits to dad more interesting with a huge choice of fun things to do. My son is 13 and my daughter 8; my son is fairly dyspraxic and my daughter dyslexic: the mix of ages, sexes and disabilities make any time together challenging. Family history is that we lived partially in Kenya before the split, spending every holiday there and the children have a life there with home, toys, pets and adventures. I have a passport problem that means that I am stuck in England, at least for the time being. My problem is concerning access. School means staying with mum during term time, holidays are in Kenya and I am loath to stop this as it is a very important part of the children’s lives. This leaves weekends and half term. All children have such busy lives today with out-of-school activities and friends. I love my children and want to spend as much time with them as I can; I also believe they need the relationship with their father. Arranging the times for them to visit me is proving very difficult and my wife appears to be making this even more complicated. One of the reasons we separated was our differing attitudes to bringing up the children. With her almost full time influence, her approach is obviously gaining influence, and whilst I understand this, it can lead to conflict as I feel she spoils the children and I can’t abdicate completely when their behaviour is unacceptable. Children being children pick up on the differences and can play on them, testing limits, but when conflict does arise my wife uses it as a weapon. She has created a situation where the children rarely get to see me, claims they don’t want to make the 2-hour drive for short visits and then books activities during half term. This probably reads as a protracted whinge, but I would appreciate any help you can offer in my approach to my children and what sort of split of time you would suggest as ideal, or as close as one can get to it. Thanks Tim Dear Tim, You've got one of us I'm afraid as my 'better half' is off on half term - I'll get Kate to add her pennyworth on her return as she may have other ideas to throw into the pot. But here are mine... I agree children need their dad's, friends and routine. Keeping things the same as much as possible after a seperation's not a bad idea either (like Kenya trips) as at least there's some continuity and familiarity for the children. So i agree with the angle you're coming from. There are 2 strands to what you're talking about - 2 homes and 2 sets of rules, and access. My ex and I run very different households and have different rules and standards of behaviour. From what I've heard, and been told, children can cope with 2 different homes and adapt to each house's rules without much of a problem - it just has to be clear. When my children want to do something that is standard at dad's and I say no, I make no justification for it other than 'that's the rule in this house, I don't mind what dad lets you do, you don't do it here' End of story, and as I don't show I care about dad's rules there's no opportunity to play us off (and I'm sure he says that plenty of times to the children about my 'rules' when he has them!). However, a word of warning from the 'other side' - your children adore you and want to please you and see you happy, they'll miss you and wish you were still at home so please choose the battles you have with them over behaviour - you're right you won't be able to make them flush the loo everytime over the course of a weekend by ticking them off constantly about it - that is a day to day discipline thing - what you can do over your weekend is focus on showing how much you love them, care about them, enjoy their company and lead by example - be a role model not a disciplinarian on every standard you'd ideally like them to follow. I think this might be garbled but I suppose I'm saying go for a macro rather than micro managment approach to the children's visits. It'll help them enjoy you and feel secure. I've nearly finished but it sounds as if you need to sort out communication with your ex and become a more regular presence in the children's lives. You're only in Southsea - could you put them to bed one fixed night a week? Get there for 5-6ish, send your ex out to do her jobs, see friends and you do teatime and bed? Perhaps the children will settle and not be so anti weekend visits? Children don't like surprises, or irregualrity so only do it if you can promise to do it every time. Also no mother wants to deal with the children;s disappointment when plans change, it won;t help your relationship if you cancel. But if you can stick to it, or discuss how to manage it up front with your ex, it might help to normalise things between you both, but please keep the children's welfare at the centre and sit down with her to go through our co-parenting worksheet. Everyone I've heard from who has used it has found it invaluable and weekend visits are part of that. I must stop as I think I'm about to start repeating myself... I'm sure Kate'll have something to add though and hopefully others will add their pearls of wisdom..... Love emily Dear Tim Emily has touched on some very valid issues. Visits are important, time with Dad is important and this should be recognised by both parents, visits should be mapped out well in advance and pretty much non negotiable. However London, Kenya and Southsea could be one location too many to realistically juggle and does sound pretty exhausting all round. I think you need to have a full and frank with their mother and work out a realistic way of ensuring that the children have a chance to develop a real and positive relationship with you both. Have a look at the co parenting agreement and try to fill it out together. Create a proper time schedule so that you get to see the kids are much as you can. Start say with every other weekend and half of the half terms. Plan this on a calendar so that you, the children and Mum know what is what. You want to see you kids for about half of their free time at weekends and half terms realistically I suspect that the way for you to be flexible and achieve this goal is for you to visit them in London half of that time. To be brutally honest I think that you both need to think in terms of finding ways to achieve a successful balancing act between fitting around the children and finding a way to share them. As they get older, yes they will have their lives in London where their friends and social lives are developing away from home and as part of growing up these needs to be encouraged. They will want to do things with their mates at half term. This is an important part of growing up. If I were you I would consider moving back to London for 5 years and try and integrate in their lives, if this is at all possible. If not you may have to think about travelling up to London once or twice a month and if at all possible operate at least some of your weekend visits from your children’s home. Remember how inportant you as Dad are , that you are in it for the long haul and that it is yours and the childrens interest for you to keep things as easy going and conflict free as possible. We take an extremely strongly negative view on children being used as weapons , whatever the gripe . Lead by example , be ultra reasonable , bend over backwards to be flexible do what it takes to be a constant and good Dad and it will pay dividends in the future. Good luck Kate