Kate & Emily

Thanks Emily, I have printed off all the forms and am seeing a solicitor next week so will go through it all with him as well to see what the best move is. I just hope he comes to his senses and realise our son is not a possession to be passed over so freely.

x Katie x

I agree with you - adults should make the effor for the child.  And I agree that you can't makeco-parenting work (and why should you?) if he's unreasonbale and badly behaved.  I don't suppose you can get him to read any of the stuff on this site, or our book from the library?  In the mean time keep strong, know your boundaries, know how far you're prepared to go to help him have a good relationship - tell him the rules you're working by - print off the code of conduct and co-parenting form from the site and have the discussion with him and tell him this is how you're going to behave and if he behaves like it too then this is what you can both do to help him and the baby have a good relationship - and if he behaves badly to you and / or baby this is the minimum you'll do (eg send him photos once a year) until he behaves well again.  Good luck, don't be bullied, the co-parenting  form is about working together but it's also a good way of having a conversation about the rules and what happens if he doesn't play ball.  Good luck emily

Thanks Emily,

The thing is I am completely committed to the whole co-paretning thing and we started out really well and I was offering all these things like extra time with him for the day and coming down all the time and everything was working out but then suddenly my ex turned on me and started making all these demands and threats and it has thrown me,he is disregarding the routine i have set for our son, he fights me on absolutely everythign and i feel like he is not respecting my judgement as a mother and then in turn feel unsupported and attacked asa mother and it is making feel hostile towards my ex and less able to communicate at all. I am in total agreement that when Noah is older, things will be more of a compromise and have already discussed the growing flexibilty that will happen as time goes on so am not sure what the problem is really. I am trying to keep him involved in the decision making as much as possible but he seems to throw it back in my face so not sure that the whole o-parenting is going to work at the moment, i think he is still so angry and upset about not being able to see his son everyday, which is completely understandable and i think i have tried to be sypathetic to this but nothing i do seems to matter and I feel my role as a mother is being completely underminded...

I understand what you men about the late nights and long journeys being an unavoidable compromise, but at this time, when we have put him through so much, he is teething and very unsettled I just think it is unfair to the baby and that his dad should make more of an effort to come down to see the baby until he is a bit more independent and aware of the situation.

Hello,  OK deep breathes, you've got a lot on - a young baby who's demanding lots from you (not a criticsm - they should be demanding!) and a recently finished relationship and bullying / poor behaviour from your ex byt he sound of it.  First of all - believe it will be alright and sorted.  And now work out what you can do to make sure your ex is able to be an active dad.  Think of things that he could do that fit in with your child's age.  I'm not a child expert so I don't know what's a sensible age for children to spend away from home (although you do need to remember that they're staying at their dad's which is - or should be - their 2nd home).   Youyr child will have to deal with some difficult / tiring arrangements as a reusalt of you and your ex spiltting up.  My children have had to have long train journeys to see their dad fpr weekends when they were at primary school which did mean very long days and tired etc (I know they were alot older than 11 months, but I did have to accept that if they were to see their dad - and he see them - then it wa sjust going to have to mean a late night and long day when they traveeld to and from him.).  I'm not saying you have to do it - just htat oyu will have to accept that some arrangements won;t be perfect, but will be a compromise so that they see their dad which is more importnat int he general scheme of things.  11 months may be too young - so what can you do, and offer your ex?  I think it might help if you have the conversation with him that says this is how we should do it while ourt child is so young, and then let's see in 6 months time what they're like and just owrk together to get your baby ready for a 2 night stay with dad.  You need to work together and he has to see that you're on his side becuase you do want him and his child to have a good and close relationship.  But while the baby's oyung 2 nights probaly doens;t work - give an alternative suggestion, make it clear that you have given some ground too (you might say OK about late night drives to dad's - is it really so bad?)  Decide what you can concede on and where you're prepared to agree. 

Have a look at all the articles and worksheets all under our co-parenting section.Click here, you'll see tham at the bottom of the page   http://www.kateandemily.com/co-parenting -

Give him copies too if you want and show how you wnat to work with him and also explain how your thoughts now about what to do is based on your child being 11 months old - you'll be happy to review it all again in a few months time - and then again a few months after that and so on.

I really hope this helps, please don't let it beat you, try to take some control and meet him half way rather than letting him make all the demands and upset you.

Good luck

Emily

Oh and he has only come down once during the week, and he was the one who asked if he could do it!