Kate & Emily

Dear Claire

One of the very hardest parts of all of this you are living at the moment. Unravelling strands of spaghetti that feel all intertwined. Your feelings for your ex , your handling of the break down of the relationship , your feelings about the new girlfriend your ex as a Dad , how the children are coping with their relationship with you , how the children are coping with Dad , his new life and you and your ex brining up the children together

But do try and make some order of everything. To ensure that as little damage is done try to unravel everything so that the fallout from one part doesn’t damage or affect the children or their relationship with their father

Your feelings for your ex. The failure of the relationship and saying goodbye to a man you loved and the father of your children in a romantic sense is hard and takes time. It may feel like bereavement and as such will go through several distinct phases until you feel that you have dealt with that issue deal with this away from the children , talking , counselling, writing a diary , screaming shouting but always away from the children .

You may feel that his new partner is to blame and that the entire failure of your relationship can be put at her doorstep. It can’t, no she will not be on your Christmas card list but to make her the place to vent all your negative feelings may not be a good idea if you need to work with her in the future.

Your ex as a Dad sounds like he is really trying to do a good job to make the best of things by seeing the children so regularly . Presumably the trust between you and him went a while ago so now the trust needs be between him and the children. This relationship between the children and their Dad is the most important part of all and really does need supporting.

How the children are coping with you. They may well be worried about you, they may feel the negative feelings that you have about the new girlfriend and be protecting by deciding not to like her and putting the boot in.

His new life. Just as you wouldn’t expect him to dictate the time that you have with the children, who they see what they do unless (and this is important that they are safe) the children are not safe with him in which case you need to take additional steps ask yourself why you are being so prescriptive and if it is right for the children . If you are sure that it is in the children’s best interests only to see the children at your home and not let them see his girlfriend then fine, but if you are doing this because of the way you feel and to get at Dad then you need to ask yourself if you are doing the right thing and work towards a time in the future when you do let him introduce his partner , if she a fixture in his life.It may be too soon for everyone at the moment and the dust soed need to settle but to look at a different perpspective might be an idea

Working towards co parenting, means getting to a point where you co operate with each other , developing a working parenting relationship for the good of the children.

This may be not what you want to read, it may seem harsh in the face of your heartbreak and your ex partners seemingly callous behaviour, but really and truly it will get better, the hurt and the anger will subside and you just want to take care that things between Dad and children and your future co parenting effort with Dad is not a casualty of this phase,.

Top tips

Do not badmouth ex or girlfriend particularly not in front of the children
Do not ask any behaviour of ex you are not prepared to do

So whilst mentally telling ex and new girlfriend to sod off have as little as possible to do with them, and just stick to one agenda and one alone getting the children to have a good time with Dad, don’t get drawn into any arguing etc etc do read the co parenting article it is very hard to stomach when you are felling as you are but in the long run it does make sense

All the best

Kate

I think you're right to allow everyone time to calm down and to see their dad on their own, especially if they're in danger of not wanting to see him (which would be a very sad outcome that you'd all end up regreting big time). You want to aim for the best possible outcome from a bad situation so this is what I think you do:

talk positively about their dad - you were together for 11 years, he's been unfaithful and lied, but he must have some good bits otherwise surely you wouldn't have been with him? I think it's also worth remembering that if you know someone's getting hurt or upset or angry then it feels a whole lot nicer to lie and protect them from the truth. What I'm saying is that he may find it very hard to tell you the truth because of how it'll make you feel. Lying is never good, but it can be done with good intentions rather than bad ones.

He's now with someone else - it doesn't actually matter who she is, when they met, how they got together, or whether it'll last. What matters is that you realise your romantic relationship with him is over for good. However, your parenting relationship with him will last FOREVER so give yourself a break and focus on making that aspect of your relationship work.
Get out and have some fun - see some friends, get dvd's out and watch them together, do anything but DON'T TALK ABOUT YOUR EX - practice thinking about other happier things that YOU'RE interested in and start to look at your life more happily.
I don't understand why you don't want the kids to go to your ex as he's agreed to your request to keep his girlfriend away that weekend, and you find it hard when he stays in your house and sees them. So what's the problem? Make the most of your childfree weekends, relax and stop worrying about a problem until it is one - it seems to me that things have the potential to either get ALOT WORSE or ALOT BETTER and you hold the key - your behaviour and descions will determine it.
GO TO OUR CO-PARENTING SECTION AND FILL IN THE CO-PARENTING FORM AND THEN SHOW YOUR EX AND TALK ABOUT IT.

YOU'LL BE FINE CLAIRE, HEARTBREAK ENDS AND WE ALL GET TO A BETTER CLAMER PLACE!

Good luck,

Emily