Kate & Emily

Email to friend

My ex and I have been divorced for 2 years, living in separate houses for @ 18 months. My ex stayed in our home, but undertook radical work there, including changing our son's playroom into an office. With help and support, our son (now 7) has seemed to get used to going there every weekend, and occasionally a night in the week too. He has seemed to get on well with his father's girlfriend, and to be cool about spending time with both of them. At New Year, I thought it was high time I got on with a life, and started going out the night he was with his Dad (only with girlfriends) and generally feeling the worst was over for all of us. Out of the blue, little issues have begun to emerge, particularly related to the girlfriend (brought on by a planned holiday for the 3 of them) who's "not family". Then, last week, I was just walking out of the door to go out when the phone rang and it was my son, in tears, asking to come home. I agreed with my ex I'd come and get him, and he was ok with it, but not happy. It turned out to be ostensibly about a minor incident with the girlfriend (she had joked about hiding something in his pants) but very unlike him to be so sensitive. It was arranged that he went to his Dad's as usual this Friday, we'd had a chat to make sure that he was happy about it, and off he cheerfully went. Then again, I get the phone call half way through the evening, saying Dad won't let me come home, please come and get me. This time it was because he'd watched a scary film at school and another pupil had then wound him up further about werewolves. I told him he was quite safe at his Dad's with Dad to look after him etc etc, but mid conversation the phone was snatched from him by my ex, who then began shouting at me saying this was ridiculous, he was really happy there, it was my fault for agreeing to get him (which I hadn't at that stage) etc etc and then put the phone down. 10 mins later he phoned me and told me to come and get my son, giving me a mouthful of abuse on the phone about it all being my fault as my son had said had missed us having a bath together and how disgusting it was that I still shared a bath with him etc etc. I picked my son up, and in gentle conversation only got from him that he was scared and wanted to come home, and that he found it difficult to be in the house that used to be our home, but had now all changed(which was a recurrent refrain in the early days) and he missed us having our baths there as we had done since he was tiny. I've had another mouthful via email this morning, and a very frosty collection of my son - a great shame as I've managed to keep things on the island through some very difficult times by stressing my willingness to work together to solve issues. I have felt strongly that if my son didn't feel able to come home when in distress it would make it harder to get him to go. I also feel that if I don't give him a secure base where he feels someone is there for him when he needs it, I'm just going to make him more clingy and insecure. I've been at pains to support my ex and his girlfriend with my son, even suggesting they both come to Christmas dinner as I thought it would help our son feel comfortable with the situation. I've also pointed out that I have no interest tying my son to my apron strings - I do want to have some free time and a life of my own too, but I'm never going to get that if my son starts refusing to go to his father's at all. Am I right to have gone and got my son? The relationship with my ex was always emotionally and verbally abusive so I'm well used to being on the receiving end of his anger, but I desperately don't want my son involved in the crossfire. I do want to do the right thing, and if it's saying, no you must stay there, I will - I have just been working on instinct, hence the need for some objective advice. I would really appreciate your help Jennie