What to do next

Hi Guys, I am new to this but wanted some advice. I have been with my husband for nearly 20 years and been married 15, I have 2 boys of 13 and 12,who are fantastic kids.In April after a row about money as we have alot of debt,I asked my husband to leave and was very harsh to him,so he did and moved in with his mum.After calming down I wrote a letter and called him to apoligise and ask him to come back,which he refused to,his mum and me are great friends and I have recently been on holiday with her,she adores the kids and has always been wonderful to me.My hubby has now nearly 5 months later only seen the boys 3 times for 2 hour peroids.I recently have found out he is now seeing a woman 14 years his junior with 2 very young boys and lives not far from me.My hubby was a fantastic dad and husband who adorded his kids but now doesn't want to bother with them at all,they are heartbroken as you can imagine and really are suffering and can't understand why he doesn't want them. He has ditched all his friends,doesn't answer calls or texts from anyone and is generaly hiding away,he goes around this womans house in the evening as he has no money because he is paying loans and money to me.After not receiving money from him I posted him a 6 page letter and asked why he was playing mind games with me by making me contact him for my money,in the letter I asked why he has turned his back on the boys and why he is seeing someone elses kids(he isn't very child focused when it comes to others)and told him this relationship won't work as he has lied to her about being in the process of divorcing. I told him he was been unfair by getting involved with these children as he will damage them too. I know I should hate him for all this but I know he was a genuine chap and don't know if he is having a midlife crisis,my children are the victims here and I really don't know what else I can do I have offered him proper access which he won't commit to and I said he is doing more harm than good by not commiting to them as they are waiting for a call or text

Categories:

Absent father / disappearing father

This feels on reading like a

Submitted by kate on Wed, 2009-09-02 19:59.

This feels on reading like a bit of a massive understanding to me that has gone horribly wrong . A good father a geniune guy and a good husband who gets kcked into touch in a harsh manner by you following provocation .He then goes to ground , finds new girlfirend , ditches contacts with the past and now you feel let down etc . Seems like there is a big communication issue here that it would be shame not to try and resolve at the very least so that you can both parent your children .

This has been hard for everyone , those cast assunder , those left behind to cope and the boys. Maybe you were merly trying to force some sort of change by asking him to move out , maybe you didn't mean for this to happne and poor you this monster has now taken on a life ofits won.

Going forward I think a couple of things are key . Firstly starting to communicate , this nut needs cracking so that the boys can benefit form his involvement and secondly I think your good relationship wiht his mother is important and could be invaluable .

He lives with her? get her on onside , send the boys to stay for the weekend with her , so they get exposure to their Dad , or for half term hols .

Why not seek some counselling for the two of you ? try not to write letters but have face to face conversations, stick to adgenda issues , have a code of conduct don't get side tracked and focus on what you are trying to achieve which is at this stage some contact and fathering for the children

All the best , good luck

Kate