Kate & Emily

OK hands up, I was harsh.  But I do think that when we put miles between our child and their other parent (whatever the reason unless it's violence etc) that we should do all we can to get our child back in their dad or mum's physical presence on a regular basis.  And if the dad won't play ball then i think the mum has to.  I don't mean that a parent in this situation should be driving up and down the country every weekend,  doing everything that their ex wants them to do, but I do mean that we should think what our boundaries are, what our limits to how far we'll go and then do that - know our boundaries and know that we've done our best. 

And with small children I do think that they need to see their other parent so that they both learn about each other, what they like doing, what they're interested in etc as a 2 year old won't tell you that on the phone. You know how hard it is to talk to a 2 year old on the phone - you either feel as if you talk at them into silence, or you ask lots of questions and get very little back.  If that was all I could have with my child, and I didn't know anything about the place they lived in becuase they'd moved away so I couldn't picture their life or ask how their friends were by name then i'd feel so bereft and out of their live that I can understand why a dad would give up and there just might have been some energy that you could have spent on keeping it going through a very difficult period that will pay off later for you and your child.  That's all.  Of course you can talk to a 2 year old on the phone and it doesn't matter if all it is you are doing is reading  a story down the phone if you see them too. 

I totally disagree with you that if the dad can't be bothered the child is better off without.  I don't think the child is ever better off without, they'll always want to know.  I think that you have to do all that you're prepared to do to get him to be a dad now and for as long as you do have the energy, and then call it a day - but i think you should always keep the door open for him to come back, or for your child to contact him.

as a single mum myself and dealing with my sons father who doesnt give a thought to his well being. I understand how frustrating the situation is, its not some thing i can get my head around even after dealing with it for a few years, and it is heart breaking, if i had the answer i would love to share it with all the mums out there that are facing the same problem of these men just washing their selfish hands of their children.
Emily how can you say 'your the one who choose to move away' when faye clearly said she was basically thrown out?
how can you say a two year old cant have a relationship with their dad, have nothing in common? even if it was a two minute call of nonsence or reading a story down the phone on loud speaker, a two year can hear if not speak. Crazy comment - you are so wrong.
Maybe if there was a bit of thought and regular contact on the fathers part an 8 hr journey might be on the cards. If the father cant be bothered the child is better off without. You have to be a strong enough person as it is to be a single mum, my advise to you is let the father come to his son when he is ready to be a dad, concerntrate on being a good mum because otherwise it is very easy to use up all your energy on trying to lead the horse to water and making it bloody drink, crazyness

Good luck x

Hello Faye,  I can see that your ex has had a big part to play in your move, and why you find yourselves seperated by so many miles now, and I'm pleased that you and your son do have family to go to and to help you.  But regardless of why you ended up living where you are now, i still think that you need to be a bit super-human and generous-spirited and just think 'I'm doing this for my son' and drive him down for the weekend.  The reason why I think you should is because, even though your absolutley right that it takes 2, one of us (and it seems to me that it's usually the one who doesn't have the children full-time) will put themsleves rather than the children first, at least initially after the split.  I worry that if you left him to continue like this - ie not seeing his son, being uninterested etc then that will become his habit and your son's relationship with him will stop.  That's why now, when the break up is still new and he's disappearing I'd work your hardest not to let him.  I'd ask him to have your son for the weekend and see if it can be a regular thing - even if it is once every 3 weeks, a month etc due to the journey.  It means that your ex won;t see you much, but will see his son so reduces the opportunity for you both to be upset by each other, and maximises the chances for him and son to have a nice time.  HOWEVER, you're right - it takes 2 and you can't force a horse to drink, you can only take it to water (or something like that!!).  So you need to think about how many times (and how) you're prepared to 'take the horse to water' before you stop trying if he 'doesn't drink'.  We all have boundaries, and are prepared to do so much - and that's good.  Please work out how far you will go, what you will and won't put up with to help your son's relationship - and then speak to your ex with your offer of what you'll do to help him see / keep in topuch with his son, how long you'll do it for  (next 3 / 6 months??) and then what the ideal will be after that (eg when I have my own home, have settled in xx, our son is xx, I'd like us to co-parent by doing xxxxx).  Sorry - lots of xxxx's but they're just ideas of questions to ask yoursleve and think through.  Good luck Emily

Thanks for your reply Emily.
I am not sure I was that clear in my initial post about our reasons for moving. My ex wouldn't let us stay in the house and as a short term measure we came to stay with family. I tried numerous times to see if there was a way to move back and asked if we could stay in the family home until we could sort rented accommodation. But my ex was adamant that this wouldnt happen. And won't assist financially either.
Its my ex's lack of interest in his son that concerns me. He never ever texts me or rings me to see how he is doing. I have to instigate any communication, or rather my son asks to speak to daddy. I have encouraged him to use skype as my son likes using that as its obviously easier for a toddler when they can see who they are talking to.

My ex doesn't seem upset that he won't see his son and as I say his lack of interest and putting the blame at me when he is not facilitating us moving doesn't make me think he is that interested in his son.

I appreciate its a 2 way effort and I just feel its me that is making all the effort. I guess I can't force him to be interested.

thanks again for your reply.

I think that as the person who moved 100's of miles away it's down to you to do most of the leg work and to make it as easy as possible for your son and his dad to see each other.  I know that friends and family are important and even more so when you're on your own with a little one, my children are older than yours and I still rely a lot on mine for support.  BUT it's not just you that needs family - your son needs his dad and sisters and they need him, so you're going to have to find away to make it work.  It's an 8 hour round trip which is a lot for a 2 year old so perhaps take him to his dad's and let him stay the weekend with him and sisters while you stay with old friends in the area or go somewhere else?  You have to do the trip if dad won't - you moved.  I can see where your ex is coming from I'm afraid, a 2 year old can't talk on the phone, the conversations are rubbish and end up with you as parent feeling totally heartbroken and disappointed if you've had a bad phone call and couldn't get them to say anything, laugh etc..  of course your ex won't phone, at least he calls his older children which implies he'll do the same with his son when he's old enough to talk properly.  Your ex has nothing in common with his son's life now, they have no common frame of reference so instead of feeling heartbroken about it you need to fix it.  Talk to your ex, acknowledge how hard you've made it for him to see his son by moving so far away and tell him that you appreciate that and that you'll do whatever he needs you to do, even driving for 8 hours every other weekend.  This is in your hands to solve.  I know that a bad history has meant that you found yourself on your own and with no home, but you chose how you were going to lead your life post-break up, and part of that decision making process MUST be 'and if I move all that way away how am I going to make sure my son still has a good relationship with his dad?'.  Good luck Emily