Kate & Emily

 I have a 7 month old son and our baby was unplanned. My ex-fiance and I had spoken about having children and I was told I couldn't so it was a complete shock! I hoped that we would be able to resolve things for the sake of the baby but he was unloving and unkind during my pregnancy. I would avoid reading the chapters on what the partners should be doing for you because I knew not in a million years was he going to do that for me, but I lived in hope, when he told me that first week-end when I got out of hospital with our new son that he was "emotionally confused", I knew I had to cut him loose. Whatever love he once had for me (if he did) was gone, it was more damaging to me to keep hoping. I still get very angry at times, and like you feel like hurling abuse and sometimes I do!  It annoys me how his family is so forgiving of his behaviour and expect to jolly along as if I was a daughter-in-law, I mean a girl has her pride after all! I have the chats with myself not to be angry let it out of your mind I just can't warm to him when I see him when he picks up on our son but I hope and pray that the anger passes for my little boy and when I fall down I keep at it, little by little. I am studying Chinese medicine at the moment and there are some excellent "anger" pints to help "tonify" the body. Maybe find a good recommended practitioner and give it a go? Best of luck, Olliewaddle

It's a rubbish time of year for feeling lonely - too many happy families around, parties to be had by people who dont have to worry about getting a babysitter, and then new year.... I remember swearing my head off that I was never going to have another christmas like it as I struggled on my own to get the christmas tree standing up straight and ended up cross, frustrated, shouting at children, and with mud everywhere. To top it all I spent evenings in with all the christmas lights flashing away around me making me feel as if I was the only one at the party! It was a rubbish year and I haven't had a rubbish one since because I felt so fed up I decided it wasn't going to be like that ever again.

The next year I spoke to the man I got the tree off and invested in a stand and got some top tips on erecting the tree on my own so it's now painless. I watered down the flashing lights so the house still looked festive but less like a party venue with no guests! I started up some festive traditions for me and the children, so we go outdoor ice skating every year now, we go to a pantomime and visit the lights in London. We listen to carol singers and have friends round to make decorations or do something christmassy. And then I make sure that I am never on my own with the children on new year's eve - even if it means going home to my mum and dad...

I promise things will get better. I hope it helps a little to know that others have walked this path before you, but if you have a think about the things that got you down this year then try and think of things you could do next year to keep your spirits up and in time it'll become one of your favourinte times of year with your son, family and friends.

Lots of luck in 2009, may it be a good one for you,

Emily

The best way of getting over that horrible wierd old feeling of rejection and really self pity is to take control of the situation. Your relationship failed , did not work for either one of you. In your words your ex was a coward a commitment phobe etc and you are optimistic and kind and you do not work together. Once you get your head around this then you will stop feeling less of a victim and more empowered to carry on and bring up your child happily with your ex. It is a lonely time of year and bringing up children alone or separate from their other parent can be really really difficult but it sounds as though you are in a pretty good place . I will return to this whole issue in the new year as it is a biggie yes your ex can be a great Dad but your romantic realtionship with him failed. As my mum said to me why on earth would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you and its true not worthy and maybe there will be someone out there who is ?? In the meantime not wishing to make our rolyalty of 20p but buy the book ,look forward, enjoy your child be the best parent you can and look after yourself

Happy new year

Kate

I'm sure you're being the best mum ever and don't ever doubt that! I'm a similar age amd my husband has just decided after 12 years, 8 of which we were married and a 17 month old son that he is no longer happy and our son was planned. I'm not even sure he really knows what will make him happy! But I just wanted to let you know that there are others out there like you in a similar situation thinking the same things. And yes I also feel that I play the bigger person but maybe that's just what mum's do after all we're protecting our babies!!! I hope you enjoyed your first xmas with your son despite the hardships.... Stay positive!