Kate & Emily

Not true Emily , I think most rational adults know that relationships fail for lots of reasons and two people are involved and that there is a degree of fault , blame and guilt on both sides . This may be imbalanced and as everyone does see things very clearly from their own point of view they lose sight , have no idea and make all manner of assumptions about how other people feel. Even people who are left feel guilty about how thhings turned out  and have personal regrets .So tip one stop that  - you have no idea how other people feel , concentrate on yourself and making sure you did the right thing. Men do compartmentalise things more than women - fact - so may appear not to rake over and revisit difficult things  - take a leaf out of that book ladies . At the end of the day if you , man or  woman know you did the right thing for everyone , tried the best to do the right thing for  the children  and continue so to do then any feelings you have related to the failiure of a relationship and upsetting someone who did not want to be left have to be dealt with and moved on from  - All sounds a bit ' its not fair ' to me - Shared yes but it will never be 50/50 in both peoples eyes . In fact it is not a clauclation with a set of scales

K

Ahh, now guilt has NOTHING to do with being female or male.  From all the people we've met and listened to (men and women) guilt is felt by the person who called it a day and the one who was therefore in effect  'left' doesn't feel remotely guilty and does take the moral high ground.  We just need everyone to get to the point where they both take reposnibility for the relationship breaking and then guilt will be shared! 

I was really interested in what Emily had to say. I am not trying to get any absolution for my situation as I no-one can beat me up more than I am doing to myself but have to say that why is it us women always take on so much of the guilt? Are there any single Dad forums out there where men are giving themselves a bad time over all the mistakes they have made? My ex has commandered the high ground for himself when he made very little effort to save our marriage (his main concern was how we could afford to separate). As I say, I am not trying to justify anything i Have done but surely we owe our children a realistic view of what makes a relationship to work in this day and age and it is not just up to the women.

I too felt very guilty as it was me that said it was over, though I always think it's unfair how society (and us for perpetrating it) always need to label one of the couple as the one who left, and the other as the one who was left.  I don't think that reflects reality in any relationship breakdown so I don;t knwo why we say it, nor why oyu and I both describe oursleves as the ones who left!  It takes 2 to makr or break a relationship, what actually happened is that it didn;t work out between us and our ex husbands.  Enough of my high horse.....  when I was feeling very guilty and trying to be as nice as one can be to my ex I found that the thing that helped me to know whether i was agreeing to someothing becuase it was sensible and fair, rather than becuase I felt guiilty, was to take 'me' out of it.  So I used to think about it from the children's persepctive: what would they want?  How would they feel? It made every conversation and decsion so much easier.  I also found that I couldn;t move on until my ex had so I felt in limbo for quite a time, while he found his feet.  I din;t make any plans as I wanted his plans to come first.  The feeling of limbo lifted once he re-married and I could see that he was building a new life.  Prhpas there's some of that going on?  I'm not sure what it means or what to do about it, other than to say I that's how I felt and it got better!  Perhaps you will feel better too when your ex 'catches up' with you and gets a new life?  Lots and lots of luck,  Emily

Kate

Thanks for the advice. To be honest I have done a lot of what you suggest which is reassuring. I have apologised to the ex many times and continue to try to as be kind and caring as I can be towards him.

I am very lucky that he has always been a good Dad and has wanted to continue to have an active role in their upbringing which I know not every woman has that luxury. I guess I just need to accept my share of the responsibility to what happened but to keep a bit of perspective and try to look forward instead of back..

Hi

Put the past to bed and move on .

Whatever happened happened , it takes two to make a relationship and it does sound as though you believd that yours had reached the end of the road . Only you know whether the two of you tried hard enough ? and that the marriage had ended good and proper.

That said there are ways of finishing relationships and I think  you do have to accept the aftermath that comes with having an affair , presumabaly , lying and being unfaithful , that does cause hurt , confusion , this  can't be magiced away overnight . However  it happened and although I am sure you realise that that is going to have caused mess then now comes the part where in a positive fashion you start to do exactly what you said you wanted to do , reduce the guilt that you feel  and help the children move on  .

This is what I would do.

Be kind to the ex , stop justifying your behaviour and trying to shift all the blame to him . Accept half the blame . Have you ever apologised ? it goes a heck of a long way

Be realistic , your ex is likley to be hurt and behave badly for quite a while , he may never want to forgive you , but you can both move on for the sake of the children .

So it goes back to good old co parenting , find out a way of working together to bring up the children with out bad language and vibe towards each other .

But I would guess that for you the best thing you could do , which may be incredibly hard is to take responsibility . Draw a line leave the past behind , be accomodating to Dad , be kind to Dad .

You haven't done a terrible thing but by doing the right thing and overcompensating slighlty then things have a much better chance of turning out well for the children and you can move on forward happily .

Emily has been in your situation sort of so will have a better understanding and advise . I am sure she will chip in later on

All the best

Kate

Hi

Put the past to bed and move on .

Whatever happened happened , it takes two to make a relationship and it does sound as though you believd that yours had reached the end of the road . Only you know whether the two of you tried hard enough ? and that the marriage had ended good and proper.

That said there are ways of finishing relationships and I think  you do have to accept the aftermath that comes with having an affair , presumabaly , lying and being unfaithful , that does cause hurt , confusion , this  can't be magiced away overnight . However  it happened and although I am sure you realise that that is going to have caused mess then now comes the part where in a positive fashion you start to do exactly what you said you wanted to do , reduce the guilt that you feel  and help the children move on  .

This is what I would do.

Be kind to the ex , stop justifying your behaviour and trying to shift all the blame to him . Accept half the blame . Have you ever apologised ? it goes a heck of a long way

Be realistic , your ex is likley to be hurt and behave badly for quite a while , he may never want to forgive you , but you can both move on for the sake of the children .

So it goes back to good old co parenting , find out a way of working together to bring up the children with out bad language and vibe towards each other .

But I would guess that for you the best thing you could do , which may be incredibly hard is to take responsibility . Draw a line leave the past behind , be accomodating to Dad , be kind to Dad .

You haven't done a terrible thing but by doing the right thing and overcompensating slighlty then things have a much better chance of turning out well for the children and you can move on forward happily .

Emily has been in your situation sort of so will have a better understanding and advise . I am sure she will chip in later on

All the best

Kate