Home

Why on earth might a Dad give up?

Email to friendEmail to friend

Why on earth might a Dad give up?

Statistics show that 4 out of 7 Dads lose touch with their children after a couple of years. Your children don’t want their dad to be one of the 4 out of the 7. Before you can prevent it happening to them you need to think why it might ever happen and what you can do to make sure it never comes to this. 
·         If he is not encouraged and made to feel uncomfortable. If he is aggressed or forced to confront difficult feelings he may take the short term and easy route out by dropping contact
·         If the children are reluctant to be with him, becoming unattractive wailing monsters and refusing to spend time with him. Be honest we all know that children are hard when they behave in this way. This makes life difficult and the stress of the situation can lead to him giving up. He may believe he is doing the right thing for everyone by reducing stress and making everyone happier.
·         As part of a Mum and Dad set up he may have taken a bit of a back seat on the domestic front. He may not have bothered to learn what to do, how to talk to the children and how to play with the children a direct result of having spent less time with them. This proves very difficult, particularly if the children are cross with him.
·         As a single mother does so much of the parenting, they get better at it and can view fathers as less competent. When this happens, a pattern is set in which the mother does more, learns more, feels more confident, and continues to take on more and more responsibility for children. The father in that situation does less, learns less, and feels less capable of providing daily care. The mother parents him out of the picture.
·         Constant nagging and badgering for money has proven to be an effective way of sending a man to ground.
·         The guilt or heartbreak that may be associated with returning to the scene of failure may lead to a misguided belief on Dad’s part that all will be better if the slate is wiped clean and he can start again.
 
Then there’s the part us mothers can play in sidelining and alienating him. First off have a look at any elements of your behaviour which may be undermining him and making his job harder. Maybe you are subtly involved in subterfuge? Have a very serious talk to yourself: are you pushing Dad off the scene? Read this list and if bells of recognition ring then a bit of soul searching might be needed!
·         You want to start a new life and think it will be easier without him
·         You feel so disappointed in him that you feel he is unworthy to be Dad and does not deserve them.
·         What is the big deal he shouldn’t have left in the first place?
·         You are finding it difficult to cope and contact with your children’s father is difficult and upsetting for you. He is a reminder of failure.
·         You are jealous of the gifts he gives your children as you cannot afford them, in fact they end up demanding more from you and you feel that you can’t compete
·         You want him to realise what he has done and that he has to pay a price he cannot have his cake and eat it
·         He is rubbish at it and you are over critical of his attempts
·         Dad has a different lifestyle and is a pillock and the children are better off with you and Mr New Squeeze.
 Be honest. Is it easier, less painful or unpleasant if you keep dad out of the picture? Is it your way of coping with the situation? This is the worse bit about being a single parent – you break up with someone, you hate them, love them, want to obliterate them from your life – but you CAN’T because you’ve had children together, so you’re still tied to each other for life, it can be some people’s worse nightmare, having to deal with an ex-boyfriend or husband and to be constantly reminded of what’s gone before.
 And even if you’re OK about your relationship break-up, it’s easier enough to sort of forget about their dad. You know what they say - ‘out of sight out of mind’. We can all get so busy in the day-to-day of running our own lives that it doesn’t even cross our minds to get the children to phone their dad, drop him an email etc.. And imagine how much harder this is to do if their dad lives on the other side of the world, or 200 miles away! Do you think to keep him in touch with news about the children, where you’ve moved to etc? 
 He may be a pretty apathetic father, but are you being equally apathetic about keeping in touch? Because until your children reach adulthood and become independent and responsible for their own lives, you are responsible for doing all you can to keep their dad in their lives.
How to help Dad become involved
 
·         Make it easy for him to stay involved. If he is not being proactive guide and suggest things and trips that you know will be a success. If he has not had much experience being with them on his own then help him, leave lists tips etc etc if he wants them .
·         Work out on a sheet of paper what is acceptable to you beyond what you have agreed
·         Give him lots of notice of school events
·         Get the children to communicate with him: if they want to talk to him let them phone, if they have a piece of good news at school why not say ‘let Dad know’.
·         Make sure that the children have a positive view of Dad and their time with him
·         Make sure the children know that you are happy that they are going to be with Dad having a good time. They may not want to go if they think you are wailing and missing them
·         Learn to communicate effectively and positively with Dad using the principles of the co parenting section . One of the big positives from this section of the book is the knock on effect on Dad and children.
·         Remember that the differences, as well as the similarities, between parents are good for children. Remember that there are many right ways to raise children and that your child benefits from more than one-way. Allow for loving differences in the ways your partner parents.
·         Each parent deserves a chance to develop his or her relationship with the children. Most of us do better at learning the art of parenting when we do not have someone looking over our shoulders “correcting” us as we go.
 
Then there’s the mother that can’t quite stop herself from organizing things for the children to do, with their dad, on their dad-weekends:
‘Johnny loves football so I’ve signed him up for football every Saturday morning, and his dad is refusing to take him because he say’s he has other plans! He never does anything much with them, and now he’s being bloody-minded and letting Johnny down…as usual!’
This isn’t a heinous crime committed by malicious malcontents, but by perfectly nice well-meaning single mums that have just forgotten that there’s a dad who is an equal parent and who has to be given the space to build his own relationships with his children. They are straying into areas they have no influence over.
Categories: